Messages for You Based Off Your Favorite Queer Movies or TV Shows
By: Amber Watkin
Hello besties, girlbosses, slay queens, etc! In our horrific nightmare of a capitalistic society, don’t we all love to wind down with some nice, mindless TV? Your media of choice can say a lot about you, and a lot about what you need to hear. Here’s some messages for you based off your favorite queer movie or TV show:
Brokeback Mountain: Fair enough, sometimes being a basic bitch pays off—who doesn’t love a good old classic homoerotic cowboy story? To atone for your Jake Gyllenhaal related crimes, you should add cowboy like me by Taylor Swift to your playlists.
The Half of It: You deserve everything you have ever wanted and I just know deep in my soul that you have never done anything wrong ever. How does it feel to have superior taste?
Scooby-Doo! and the Witch’s Ghost: The Hex Girls <3 The true god tier of sapphic awakenings, good for you. Hope your plans for your next Halloween costume are coming along nicely.
Fear Street: Either you have read more hurt/comfort fanfics than is probably healthy, you’re a grunge lesbian who thinks the 90s was the peak of all aesthetics, or you have deep religious trauma and liked the funky little satan storyline. Or all of the above. Either way, you should take this as a sign to go get that tattoo you’ve been thinking about.
The Haunting of Bly Manor: Get therapy (affectionate).
High School Musical 2: You’re so right for this one, bestie. Nice to know your childhood spent in the closet is finally being remedied with a rapid succession of realizations that all your favorite media as a kid had gay subtext.
Love, Simon: You are straight.
The Happiest Season: We get it, okay? You think Kristen Stewart and Aubrey Plaza are super hot and you wanted to drool over them for like two hours. Sorry they didn’t end up together and you didn’t get to see the two women from your dream threesome on screen, keep your fingers crossed for that sequel.
Heartstopper: You are the best of the best, the highest of the elite. Everyone say thank you Alice Oseman <3
Young Royals/SKAM: You despise Riverdale, don’t you? Not in the normal “I don’t like Riverdale” way. No, you hate Riverdale. It makes you so angry your blood boils. I just know it. You’re right and you should say it. Enjoy your show where teenagers actually look and act like teenagers while you watch Riverdale combust from afar!
Love, Victor: ….Thin ice.
Netflix’s The Prom: James Corden in this movie was literally a hate crime, what the fuck is wrong with you?
Portrait of a Lady on Fire: Oh this shit goes HARD. Praying that you get to live out your artistic dramatic little period drama fantasies one day, you’ve earned it.
Call Me By Your Name: Okay, cannibal.
IT Chapter 2: …Are you okay? Do you need to talk to someone? Did you take your medication today? Were you dropped on your head as a child? Should we take you to see a professional? Get well soon. I don't know what’s wrong with you but there’s definitely something.
Voltron: Get therapy (derogatory).
She-ra: Yeah, you deserve that superiority complex you’re harboring. Voltron wishes it had what She-ra does.
Supernatural: I am coming to your house. I am going to break into your house and smash all your windows and eat all your food and murder your children. I hope you rot and burn and suffer in every circle of hell that exists. I hope you literally get sent to Super Mega Hell and instead of seeing Castiel there like you expected because you’re insane it’s just me with a baseball bat. I am going to break your fucking knees. You dumb bitch.
