Parenting Through The Ages

The following was recently found by archeologists, carved into the stone walls of a recently discovered cave. The writing appears to have been done by cavewomen seeking parenting advice. It has been translated into English for ease of reading.

“Hey mamas! I’m being faced with a new parenting challenge, and need some advice. My sweet baby angel son Bonk just turned four snows old, so he’s beginning to hunt with his dad, but… I’ve noticed that he kinda sucks at it. Just this weekend he was with his dad hunting a deer, when after seven hours of hunting he said he wanted to go home! And yesterday he was supposed to be fishing, but instead he spent the whole time complaining that it was taking too long. It seems like all he wants to do is play tic tac toe with the other cavekids on the big rock outside. Seeing all the other advice on this wall, I worry these rock games are rotting his brain. 

“If he can’t hunt or fish I’m considering throwing him off the highest peak of the mountain. I know some moms don’t want to hear it, but honestly if he can’t hunt or fish what good is he? And please don’t tell me he can go be a gatherer. We are a very traditional clan, and if he starts thinking he can gather instead of hunt, the next thing you know he’ll be one of those people that prefer to cook their meat instead of eating it raw. You know the type.

“I remember back in my day we’d sit by the river for days on end to catch a single fish. Kids these days see a cheetah running away at top speed and don’t even try to catch up and kill it. Not that they could, as all they do is sit around and draw on rocks (this doesn’t count). I remember we used to skin bears to make coats to keep warm but nowadays they have this newfangled ‘fire’ that keeps them warm? I don’t even know how that works, but I think it’s some kind of conspiracy. The hyenas are behind it somehow, and they’re corrupting our children!

“Anyway! What’s your advice on this situation? Should I sacrifice him to the wolf den or do I just keep being patient?”

What a fascinating look into the lives of our ancestors!*

*To preemptively anticipate backlash, we want to state that the views expressed by this cavewoman do not reflect the views of this organization. We need to remember as we read this that these people were a product of their time and what they were saying and doing were just normal for their generation. We here at Ooga Booga Magazine believe anyone, regardless of sex or gender can be a hunter and/or gatherer. Oh, and that unaliving children is bad. That too.