Pickle v. A Desperate Client
By: Very Serious Lawyer (Important)
We suing dis pickle
Season’s greetings dearest client,
I hope you are doing well, even though I know you are not granted that there are 37 missed calls you have left on my phone. It sounds to me you are experiencing severe issues with a particular food company. I am aware of the fact that you got into the chamoy pickle kit due to it becoming a rising trend on the Tiktok platform.
Consider me an expert in the matter, I too was a victim of eating things (Tide Pods) because the internet told me to. Seriously, I am sure we can get the chamoy pickle kit company to pay for your medical visits as well as the ambulance ride as well as your mailbox that the ambulance ran over trying to get you to the hospital. Unfortunately, this means I will need proof of your medical issues caused by the pickle kit including the bleeding of the gums, brain rot, episodes of hysteria, and cataclysmic diarrhea. There is a chance we could also get money from the lawsuit to pay off the toilet repairs and hopefully purchase a mahogany teakwood candle.
It is very important in this lawsuit that you describe to me what went through your head before eating a bright red pickle that could evidently lead Santa through one foggy Christmas day. Like seriously girl, that is a whole lot of red 40. What part of a pickle marinating in juices the color of the fires of hell seemed delicious to you? Even the damn Tide Pods looked more edible than that. Who knows, maybe if we sue hard enough we could win you enough dough to afford real food like asparagus or even a whole chicken cutlet to yourself.
I really hope you start to make good decisions, but not too good or else I wouldn’t profit off of you. Let’s meet Monday and we can further discuss the steps we have to take against this pickle kit.
Sorry about the diarrhea xx,
Very Serious Lawyer
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