Pls Hire Me

Dear Cirque du Squirrel,

I write to you today with much desperation in my heart, for I am in need of a job. I have always admired the performances you put on, and want to be part of that beautiful, big top scene. Though there is a lack of circus experience on my resume, I promise I am entirely qualified.

I was let go from being a yoga teacher recently because I was too flexible and it frightened our clients greatly. Participants had strong feelings on the amount I was pushing them in class. The issue led to one injury (which I was not sued for), but it was quietly decided that it was my time to go. It is important to note that Rebecca was able to have her limbs put back into place, I promise. 

I attempted to change paths and applied to every office position in a 100 mile radius. It was an ambitious choice, but an essential one. I was accepted into the first job as an editor for a small magazine, but the way I would backbend into the neighboring cubicle to ask a question unsettled my coworkers. I do not understand why they hated it. I thought it brought some life into their millennial gray workplace. Shortly after, they notified every other office I had applied to. I was never interviewed again.

I was a DJ in college. Well, mostly. I owned all of the gear and would just show up. I had a 50/50 success rate. I wasn’t a very good one, of course, but I thought this would at least pique your interest. Give my character a little more pizzazz if you will.

I have never attended clown school in my career and I have not stepped into a gymnastics class since the Great Balance Beam Incident of 2010, but I am as bendy as the Gumby figurine on the desk I write this on. I have a great ability for picking up new skills quickly, and I am sure swinging from a beam and jumping to another would be a piece of cake with my spindly arms and positive attitude.

Please give me a chance. I can do anything I put my mind to. At least, that’s what my mom told me after I broke my nose on the spring floor in 2009.

Yours truly,

A sad boy with many rejection letters in the trash