THE SQUIRREL

So, you want to get into clowning but don’t want to look like, well, a clown? Luckily, this is your one stop shop for becoming a class act! 1. Decide your type of clown. Clowning has a lot of history and in order to be passionate about what you do you have to be passionate about how you look; the type of clown you choose will dictate visual aspects of your clowning. The three options include: Whiteface, Auguste, and The Tramp. Whiteface is as it sounds. A completely white

This Halloween, a whimsical new show, RuPaul’s Clown Race arrives on Clown-toon Network. Twelve talented, terrifying, and questionably qualified clowns are juggling onto the scene to compete for the title of America's first clown superstar. The show will be hosted by our three jolly judges, RuPaul, Bianca Del Rio, and Art the Clown who will judge the competitors on the four main tenants of clowning. Those being Comedy, Uniqueness, Nonsense, and Tomfoolery. Every week the co

Dear Cirque du Squirrel, I write to you today with much desperation in my heart, for I am in need of a job. I have always admired the performances you put on, and want to be part of that beautiful, big top scene. Though there is a lack of circus experience on my resume, I promise I am entirely qualified. I was let go from being a yoga teacher recently because I was too flexible and it frightened our clients greatly. Participants had strong feelings on the amount I was pushi

SU’s theatre department has already presented the second musical of the year. It’s a wonder, seeing that the scripts were 600 pages long, and there were only two weeks of rehearsal, but here you have it: Ride the Squirrelclone is here! On a more serious note, the show is a tribute to SU’s less popular acapella group, Harmonic Consumption, who all tragically perished last year on the spring fair’s rickety ferris wheel. The plot of the musical begins with the members of HarmCon

To Whom It May Concern, I am writing today as a taxpaying citizen of Acorn Valley Township. As a taxpaying citizen to both the Township and to the larger Skwerelle County, I care to express my deep concern and dislike for the motion recently passed by the HOA allowing the Flips, Tricks, and Circular Dicks Carnival Inc. to set up on the Lewis E. Jenkin Field for Youth Athletics. The Youth Athletics Field is not far from my property, and is a favorite spot for myself and for

Are you an up-and-coming ringmaster? An established circus whose clowns are aging out of their prime time for performance? Looking to expand your clown troop without running into any ethical conundrums? Then you’re in the right place! Here is a comprehensive guide on the history and modern practices in clown husbandry, so you can fill up that big top with lots of little clownlings without People for the Ethical Treatment of Clowns (PETC) being up your ass. Circus clowns are

*sigh* My name is [REDACTED], and I am a victim. a victim of an evil perpetrator who haunted my dreams when I was a kid. Normal kids were scared of the dark or the monster under the bed, but not me…I was scared of my former science teacher at Walkerville Elementary School. My family and I had to sign an NDA after what happened to me, so I legally cannot give out any names, but this teacher gave me emotional scars that I am still healing from. One should not be fooled by her c

We’ve all heard the stories about the famous TRAX Ferris wheel which we keep on campus, but do you know the TRUTH about it? If you don’t, you don’t have to worry, I’m here to tell you. It may sound unbelievable, but the Ferris wheel, yes, our very own Ferris wheel, is haunted. If you don’t already know, our great Ferris wheel has a fascinating history. The first Ferris wheel made its debut in 1893, and our own made its own only a few decades later, in 1929. This Ferris whee

Dear Jerald, Hello, fellow circus lovers. It has come to my attention that there is some confusion surrounding the identities of a couple of our resident circus positions, namely, our annoying, idiotic mime and lovable, amazing clown friends, who, to be clear, hold two separate positions. This confusion is very disturbing, as it affects me personally I care very much for my friends, who are mildly inconvenienced by this ignorant misconception. To be clear: clowns and mimes a

This documentary contains raw footage taken by Christopher Smith on October 31st, 2026. The following video contains bright flashes, maniacal laughing, grown men crying, and graphic images. Viewer discretion advised. [Black Screen. Then, clown picture. Black and white. Cue dramatic music.] Voiceover: I thought I was safe. I mean, I think we all did. [Picture of a little girl smiling with a balloon. Black and white except the balloon, which is bright red. Children’s laughter