Recipe for Brain Eating Amoeba Stew

1. Fill a pan with water from your nearest brain eating amoeba water supply. For a complete list of authorized locations, please visit our website and log-in with your registered email address and 15 character long password (uppercase, lowercase, and symbols required; no numbers) and input your location to find a personalized list near you!

2. Bring the water to a gentle boil. Gentle! That’s very important! Soft, delicate bubbles. Don’t do anything else until this step is completed because once you look away from the pan I bet you’ll forget it exists and come back two hours later to find our precious amoebas completely boiled away  :(

3. Once the water has gently boiled, let it simmer and begin chopping some vegetables. Now we know everyone has their own preferences, but for the sake of the stew’s sacredness and honor of our traditions—please see our land acknowledgment on our website for more information—you must obtain these vegetables:

   1. Orange peppers - the same color and IQ level of the current president

   2. Tomatoes - what we throw at billionaires; diced like your dream of owning a home one day

   3. Green peppers - for all the money stolen from you by the IRS

   4. Lettuce - shredded like your attention span 

   5. Carrots - also the same color and IQ level of the current president

   6. Red peppers - for the fires burning away any last doubt about the climate apocalypse.

4. Now that the vegetables are chopped, diced, or shredded, we can peel the potatoes. Much like the way our amoebas will peel away the layers of neurons in your brain, peel the skin off of 34 potatoes, which is coincidentally also the number of felonies Donald Trump was found guilty of! Once the potatoes are peeled, chop them into bite sized pieces, about the size your brain will soon be, and add them to the simmering stew alongside the vegetables. 

5. In order to unlock the final secret ingredient in our almost-award-winning stew, please make a donation to our charity to support the brain eating amoebas we employ! Our donation box is on our website as well as our social media accounts—Facebook, Twitter X, Instagram, TikTok (?), Threads, Bluesky, Red Note, Spotify, LinkedIn, Chopshop, PissFace, InstaFans, Black Sun, and Fuck-U  :) 

6. Once you make your donation, an email will appear in your inbox with your one-time use access code to the rest of this recipe! This link will expire in 15 minutes and cannot be resent without another donation. All donations must be $25 or over to qualify.

7. Thank you for your donation! Your support means a lot to us :) The final ingredient in our almost-award-winning stew is pepper! You’ll need to hand select 10,046 pieces of prime pepper for this soup, the same number of books banned in school districts in the 2023-2024 school year! If you don’t want to hand select your pepper, go to our website and sign-up for our pepper delivery service for a small monthly fee! 

8. And you’re done; enjoy your stew! It’s a tasteful reminder of everything you will soon forget in this clusterfuck of a society! What’s that? It didn’t work you say? Well of course not, idiot! Naegleria fowleri only infects the brain by nasal injection, not by swallowing! You’re going through all these hoops to lose brain cells and not worry about the state of the world, and this was the site you chose to listen to? Thanks for the credit card info by the way. Maybe you don’t need the amoeba after all… Oh well, enjoy all those viruses I put on your computer, sweetie; they’re actually effective  :)