Students Deserve Mental Health Days Instead of Squirrels
By: Dr. Doktter
Hey y’all, it’s your favorite neighborhood doctor, Dr. Doktter (no I promise, my name isn’t spelled wrong) (also yes I am a legitimate doctor, check my sertiphikate if you have your doubts). I have an opinion. A very STRONG one. I was recently told that Susquehanna University, a university somewhere in some state, does not offer their students mental health days. WHAT? If that is true (which I heard/was told/guessed was true), then that is absolute bologna. But then I heard an even CRAZIER thing. That's right, crazier than my name (and profession) itself.
The campus squirrels get mental health days.
The fucking. Campus sqwirrels. Get. Mudda fucking. Mental health days. AND there’s proof. THERE IS LEGITIMATE PROOF.
Do you see this shit? What the fuck is that?? That’s right, that is a squirrel. A SQUIRREL. DRINKING A FUCKING FRAPPE. WHAT THE FUCK.
*Clears throat* Sorry about that. I am just...enraged, to say the least. But can you understand my anger? I’m sorry, but I think that is absolutely bullshizzle. Especially after the events I saw from afar from last semester. AYE AYE AYE. No fair. Give your students at least ONE. Is it really that hard?
Yes, I was told that there is a new rule where students can take two unexcused absences this semester. But only two? Two??? FUCKING TWO?? No wonder CAPS is running smoothly and efficiently like the Smith Hall elevator that’s been starting to squeak every time you get in it (side note – someone fix that pls. My doctor anxiety has been getting rampant because of it). Okay yeah, I understand, you can use those two days for whatever the hell you want. Feel like sleeping in and missing your classes for the day? Cool. Need to skip a class to catch up on other coursework? Alright. Wanna take time to set the silverware return in the dining hall on fire because it smells like horse shit all the time? Fine with me.
But. But but but. Those are not SPECIFICALLY mental health days. Sometimes we just need to commit arson one day and then take a depression nap the next, you know? It is (un)clinically proven that heat causes depression (President Green told me that in a dream one time. What a fun man). But yeah. What the hell, SU? Is it really that hard to give students at least one designated mental health day? Besides, I don’t think it’s that hard. If winter break was able to last SIX WHOLE ASS WEEKS, what’s wrong with making that shorter and using some of those days for, jeez, I don’t know, the students themselves? The reason y’all are still going? Like shit, the students should earn a mental health day each time they get a tuition notification from the fucking Nelnet Campus Commerce emails. I don’t even go here (you don’t know that), and those stress me out!
But yeah. Rant over. Susquehanna, for the love of Benny and President Green’s bowtie collection, give your students some freaking mental health days (I didn’t curse this time!). That’s all from me. Try to have a good semester, students! And to the squirrels: I don’t hate you. I just don’t think you’re important. Or at least you shouldn’t be drinking frappuccinos. Anyways, bye!
