the quill Discovers The Squirrel’s SSN (and more news at 11:00)

By: SuskyLeaks

In a freak turn of events caused by the recent “cancellation” of The Squirrel; it has been revealed that the infamous organization of loveable “rat bastard” satirists have been spying on the entirety of the globe via a secret network of highly-intelligent, trained squirrel reporters referred to as the “Secret Squirrel Network” (SSN so you nincompoops can read less words). According to the quill, their alleged “rival” (they’re the only ones who say that, it’s actually kind of sad), The Squirrel has been running this secret society out of Weber Chapel’s basement in some room that is described by the quill as “harder to find than the clit”.

Within said room, it was found that The Squirrel had made an entire squirrel town complete with residential and commercial districts. Our sources claim to have seen a high school, college, and retirement home for the development and care of their squirrel reporters. Homes at a low, affordable cost were discovered next to the tiny supermarket that was in the process of being restocked by a Squirrel writer. Little squirrel children were seen scampering on their way home from school to see their squirrel parents. We tried to get a word from the quill about the treatment of their own writers, but the door to the room was swinging shut as we turned to ask.

When we tearfully asked why they felt the need to spy on everyone, The Squirrel responded this via treemail:

Dearest SuskyLeaks,

Respectfully fuck off. We’ve done our absolute best over the past 8 years to both inform and entertain the Susquehanna community. Do you know how hard that is? Nobody wants to do anything actually interesting here and all that the campus has gotten to look forward to is the absolute ridiculous shit we feed them. You clearly don’t understand how lifeless the quill is and just how great of an effort it is to offset the mind numbingly cold “writing” they’re supposed to be publishing. They were constantly asking us for our SSN and we’re not even sure that they are talking about the squirrels in the room. They really just want to be us. Lunch at 2? And congratulations on already being more reputable than the quill.

Love,

The Squirrel