SUSquehanna???? NOT CLICKBAIT!1!
By: The SU Squirrel <3
There are so so many conspiracy theories in the current climate. Of course, you know all the regular theories, like birds are fake, covid is made up by the government, and the queen of England is still alive, but I bet you don't know the truths of Susquehanna University. Many say that these little known facts are just conspiracies, but these people are no longer living. We dare you to tell us we’re wrong. So without further ado, we present the 100% real “conspiracy theories'' about our beloved institution.
Prez Green sprays fart spray around ginkgo trees to make up the smell because he doesn't want people to know the school has genetically modified trees
The campus garden grows weed
Nobody is actually peeing on all the toilet seats in Reed Hall; someone just carries lemonade with them every time they go to the bathroom
The female M&Ms are transgender
That one lady on tiktok who made up the poem to Putin is actually his mother who time traveled to the future
Ok, those ones don't have to do with Susquehanna but it’s important you keep them in mind for matters that will soon come to pass
The Hawk Hub is actually a secret information-gathering scheme so the school can gather all our information and submit eligible names into the College Drafts™. This way we have ample soldiers ready to fight; if Bucknell tries to annex SU we'll have students available to fight back*
Squirrels can teleport. We can personally verify. We won’t though
The stairs in Steele Hall are specifically designed to disorient intruders. If you feel weird in any way, shape, or form when you go up or down them, know that the building itself is rejecting you
Sticker Benny is the bastard son of Official Benny and the Bucknell Bison. Bucky and Benny 4 lyfe <3
Tuition went up so the school could pay off people who know these secrets. We don’t get enough money so we decided to tell everyone
The weather keeps changing so quickly because not enough people are going to church at Weber and Rev Kershner called in a favor with God to punish us. It’s not global warming, it’s just a vendetta
There aren’t any campus squirrels around because someone *cough us cough* thought it would be a good idea to turn them all into people. If the GSA can do it with frogs, why can’t we do it with our favorite animal
That's also why there's a housing crisis on campus. We accidentally made too many squirrels into people and for some reason they decided to stay
Speaking of that, Quackers the cat is actually a middle aged man in a cat body. Seriously, have you met him? He looks like he’s about to give a lecture on something boring, like accounting. And, to top it all off, one of our many allies on varying legal teams told us that he’s been hanging around the office during class times for a weirdly large number of years. Suspicious. We have no idea what Quackers is planning to do and we are not sure anybody is prepared to find out. Beware and please stay safe.
These little-known facts need to be shared with everybody who is literate. Or everyone who isn't. Tell a baby if you want, whatever. Anyway, if you can think of any more secrets that absolutely have to get out, please contact us at @thesusquirrel on Instagram or 570-372-4260!
