BREAKING NEWS: The Current Coin Shortage Is about to Get a Lot Worse

BY: A Real Human Girl

SNYDER COUNTY, PA

In what appears to be yet another desperate grab for money from Susquehanna University, all of Dining Services’ employees have been laid off and replaced with quarter-operated robots. Do these robots know how to cook? No. However, a tortured-looking, former employee did point out, “How much worse can it honestly get?” As the newly unemployed victim person carried a comically large and completely empty box to their car, this reporter swears that that one pathetic Charlie Brown song was playing softly in the distance.

Whether or not the robots will still be slipping fiber powder into our food is unclear. That depends on whether or not freshmen first-years across the nation can stop having panic attacks every time they have to shit in a communal bathroom. What we do know is that the university has absolutely no plan to account for the county-wide quarter shortage that is about to get exponentially worse. Head of Dining Services Kevin Hamilton was overheard saying “I hope they can’t get their grubby little hands on some quarters. Dead students can’t bitch about my department on YikYak.” He then really went in on the vegan and vegetarian community however national decency laws prohibit The Squirrel from publishing a direct quote.

Due to being broke-ass college students, many people have already begun attaching strings to quarters in an attempt to shirk the system. Whilst The Squirrel respects the hustle, we feel it is important to note that the punishment for tampering with the robots in any capacity is death. Ironically enough, the robots will “earn” a higher hourly wage than the actual human employees ever did due to facilities not being able to figure out how to get the quarters out of the robots.

And lastly, since SU is seemingly as broke as their students (whether or not they really are broke is unknown, but Prez Green does make $500,000/year so methinks not) they could not afford to buy enough robots, meaning the effects of the labor shortage will likely still be felt across campus. To distract the general public from this absolutely fucking massive inconvenience, a coin-pusher machine has been placed in the Caf for general student and low-stakes gambling addicts use. However, reports are flooding in that the coins have been glued down to prevent students from, god forbid, making more than $11/hour on this campus.