The FS (Foreign Squirrel) Program

If the news hasn’t reached you yet, let me be the one to tell you that the class of 2028 is not required to travel abroad! Ridiculous, right? I was also bitter about it until I heard about their new plan to fulfill that cultural experience requirement. The school has decided that the best course of action is for each first year residence to house a squirrel from a foreign country, and in true Susquehanna fashion they didn’t tell them about this until after they handed over their deposit. Is this a lot of squirrels? Yes. Does the school care about the lack of resources? No, of course not! This is Susquehanna University after all. Here are the top stories thus far:

Do you think the campus food started tasting better? Yeah… it sure as hell is not the humans cooking it. The French squirrels decided to overthrow the workers after the raw chicken killed half of them, so now they are taking inspiration from Remy the rat and Ratatouille-ing the dining hall staff to culinary perfection.

Have you noticed the new decorations? Well, the Japanese and Italian squirrels were formally trained in art academies prior to their travels, and were insulted by the appearance of our hallways. Therefore, they took matters into their own little, furry hands and redecorated campus with their creations. They’re beautiful, don’t get me wrong, but they really are not the best at hanging their art up. Several students have already reported art falling on them. Some even received a complimentary concussion because the Italian squirrels love their dramatic gold frames.

Remember how One Direction isn’t together anymore? Well, the British squirrels do not give a shit. They are constantly blasting their music like they live in 2013 again, and they are dragging everyone down with them. In the dorms, on the sidewalks, even in the middle of the dining hall. If I hear “What Makes You Beautiful” one more time I might throw one of these things.

The biggest problem thus far is the fact that oh my god there are so many squirrels. We already had a concerning amount of them frolicking in the grass, now they are literally everywhere you turn. I am constantly watching my feet because if I trip on one and break an ankle they can’t pay for my tuition. They’re squirrels. It was funny when it only inconvenienced the first-years but now we are all trapped in a tiny, furry hell and I want out. I know the semester is nowhere near done, but I think it is time for us to deport the squirrels. Did they bring some positives to the campus? Yes. Are they driving everyone to insanity? Also yes! Get your butterfly nets and start collecting, because these fluffy fuckers gotta go.