The Great Degenstein Dinner Show!

Welcome to the Great Degenstein Dinner Show! I’m your host, a student who just got back from their GO Long in London and realized that despite conquering half the world for them, England does not in fact use spices in their food.

Let's meet our three contestants! We have Josh, a frat guy who’s only ever made ramen in an electric kettle, but claims to be a master chef; Sara who’s in college to meet a successful man then become a trad-wife; and a science professor who wishes to stay anonymous, but wants everyone to know he is vegan.

The challenge we’re presenting to these contestants is to cook a chicken! It cannot have any pink, but it can be prepared in any way they choose. Ready, set, cook!

Starting out, Sara immediately leaves the kitchen. Where is she going? No one knows. Josh just came back from the freezer and pulled out pre-cooked dino nuggets! All he has to do is not fuck up with the air fryer and he should be good to go. The science professor has pulled out… What's this? A bunsen burner? Testing tubes? What kind of chicken dish is this?

This just in, Sara has returned to the kitchen with- what is this? A live chicken! We’re getting reports that his name is Drumstick and he’s the new science building mascot. How sweet! Why does Sara have an ax- oh. 

Uh… this just in: Sara has brutally murdered Drumstick. Blood is everywhere, and his head has been severed. Sara is now cleaning the body and preparing it to be cooked in an extravagant roast. RIP Drumstick, we’ll miss you.

The professor is combining all the random chemicals and putting them into a piece of cauliflower. I don’t know what he expects will happen- why is the cauliflower growing. Everyone, breaking news, the cauliflower is growing of its own accord and changing colors! It’s… no it can’t be…! The cauliflower just turned into a perfectly grilled chicken! The science professor is the first to finish, with his vegan, gluten free, dairy free, plant-based, genetically enhanced, cauliflower based, grilled chicken.

In other news, Josh has completely forgotten about his dino nuggets, and they are currently on fire. He has just thrown the entire air fryer into the sink and has started hosing it down, causing a new electrical fire inside the sink. He’s just dropped what looks to be charcoal onto the plate, but he’s claiming they’re his special dino nugget recipe. Josh has finished!

Sara took considerably longer, preferring to make everything, including the utensils from scratch, but she is finally done with her roast chicken! For Drumstick’s sake, I hope she wins.

The judge is now tasting the dishes. We have a member of the supper club tasting these chicken dishes. She is taking her first bite of the professors’ chicken… she immediately vomited! She’s saying it’s the worst thing she’s ever eaten. Also, it screamed when she cut into it.

Josh has been disqualified because despite setting the pre-cooked chicken on two separate fires, the meat is still a bright pastel pink all the way through. 

Finally, Sara’s roast. The judge is chewing… she spat it out! She says there’s even less seasoning on it than what they use in Britain. She is storming out of the dining hall, crying and mourning the wasteful loss of Drumstick.

This concludes the first (and last) episode of the Great Degenstein Dinner Show! We hope this never happens again, but you’ll probably see a recreation of these dishes at dinner tonight. Enjoy!