Charles B. Deggie did NOT die for this

By: #1 Kikkoman Hater

Does your school hate food and joy and you? Are you slowly wasting away because your meal plan no longer allows you to get your favorite foods? Do you want to do something about it?

The recent meal plan changes here at Susquehanna University are causing irreversible damage to the student population and it has to stop. Why does the school need me to spend Flex Dollars (and eventually real money cause that shit does NOT last long) to get literally any food that isn’t Deg? Clearly, these changes are a shameless grab for money and not based on student interests. No one wants to eat every meal in Deg, especially now that the lines are five hours long cause they don’t trust us to serve ourselves. The food already permanently ruins your digestive system, so who really cares about sanitation?

In comparison, the old meal plans were perfect. You want to escape poorly cooked pasta and a tragic lack of protein and vegetables? Then go load up three meal swipes to get two sandwiches and a pastry from Ele’s (this may or may not have been my go-to last semester). But those days are no more and I think we all want them back. So what can you do about it?

Option One: Hunger Strike

We’re already starving cause no one wants to eat Deg anyway (and the food there is suspiciously unfilling), so why not go the whole way? It would probably only take like five to five hundred of us passing out in the middle of class for them to care enough to finally change things back. And when they see their sad beige dining hall completely devoid of students, it will hurt their feelings. They’ll have to cave into our demands or all that money they spent on renovations will have gone to waste.

Option Two: Monopolize

We gather all the students who can cook and as a school collectively pool together our grocery money. Then, we open our own dining hall in direct competition with Deg that requires no meal swipes to enter. Once again, we will hurt their feelings, and I promise I can cook better fried rice than whatever their soggy, Kikkoman ridden slop is. There is better soy sauce in the world, I promise you. And fried rice is supposed to have more than one seasoning anyway. I know like 70% of us are white, but come on.

But I digress. If we can successfully monopolize the food scene, then the school will be forced to hear our demands if they want to continue shamelessly exploiting poor college students who just want to eat.

Option Three: Petition

We sign and present a petition. Easy, but boring. I think we can do better.

Option Four: Labor Strike

We stop going to class. Stop going to our campus jobs. Unionize and shut the school down until they fix our meal plans. Maybe we can even convince them to pay students more than minimum wage (please I’m so broke). Labor strikes are actually very effective! Maybe the country should take notes…

Option Five: Riot

Fuck it. Let’s storm Deg. See how they feel when a bunch of teenagers and twenty somethings wreck their precious new campus center. This is what happens when you let us get hangry.

If any of these suggestions appeal to you, please contact me at t0t4llyn0rmal3mail@gmail.com or voice your concerns to SGA. Let’s work together to organize a campus wide protest so I can finally eat a meal that isn’t just carbs!