The Most Impossible Time of the Year

The holidays have finally arrived, a time to be calm and cozy and fail the most difficult holiday game. Whamageddon.

Now, if you for some reason have never heard of this game, which would make sense because we were barely sentient in 2010, let me explain it for you. Whamageddon begins on December 1st and goes until Christmas Day. The goal? Don’t listen to “Last Christmas” by Wham! the entire time. I know for a fact that I just lost so many of you, because apparently that is the most amazing Christmas song, and some people just cannot function without it, and it must be on the holiday playlist, and the very next day you gave it away, and falalalala. Congratulations on being wrong, moving on.

Anyways, the important part of this game is that covers don’t count. If Target starts blasting “Last Christmas” sung in cursive by a white woman, you’re fine. If you hear someone singing it because it’s stuck in their head, no problem. But, if your friend starts playing it in the car… you better pull over because you thought they were someone to rely on and things are about to get violent.

You might be wondering, what happens when you get out? When you inevitably get whammed (very creative I know), you get sent to Whamhalla, the home of defeated players looking for a shoulder to cry on. This is when people often post it on social media with the song and give the gift of banishment to someone special.

So why do people do this? Do they hate the song? No, we just need something to keep life interesting. I mean, Christmas is already stressful enough but why don’t we really just crank it up to the max? It’s so much fun fighting for my life every time I go grocery shopping, and in fact has been why I get out most years. What a fool I’ve been…

This year, to save me from tears, I will be playing it safe. I am hibernating until Christmas Day. Goodbye.

December 6th, 2025

Update: George Michael has since been sent to Whamhalla. Keep him in your thoughts this holiday season