The End of “Comedy”
By: quill Staff Writer
Congratulations! You, dear reader, have outlived the terrible publication that was The Squirrel. Their unfunny humor and terrible scandals will NOT be missed. In wake of the news, I went out and collected a few responses to the Squirrel’s demise from our campus community. I am using people’s titles instead of names because, no, I couldn’t bother to remember the names of the people I interviewed.
One Communications Professor alleged: “Don’t even get me started on The Squirrel! They weren’t even a real news source! They were an underground, guerilla organization! Their writing was unfunny at best and misinformation at worst! I, for one, am glad to see them go!”
Another senior asserted that, “It’s a shame to see the Squirrel go out like this. They were always great at shedding light on topics that needed it, or at least they were good at making me laugh. With that being said, they crossed their fair share of lines, but isn’t that part of the fun?”
I believe that one First-year-student put it best when they said: “It’s a shame to see them go, I guess. Wait, which Squirrel?”
I know where you are thinking, hey writer, where did you get all of these great sources from? My source is that I made it the fuck up! (Except that first one!) Stop asking stupid questions, wiseass. None of this really matters! I mean come on! Why are we here, on this rock drifting through space, why is the food in Deg intolerable, and why did The Squirrel actually get canceled? Can’t you see sheeple? None of this really matters! Climate Change or a rogue AI will doom us all far sooner than you know. At least The Squirrel let me laugh twice a semester. Now all I do is wait until the inevitable moment when I run out of flex money, and cry in the library basement bathrooms. Enjoy eating campus food, regardless of how shitty it is now, because eventually you won’t be able to. Fuck you and I’ll see you the next time my editor withholds my meal swipes until I produce an article!
Hasta la vista,
quill Staff Writer
