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Valentine’s Day is Fake

By: St. Valentine himself



I'm seeing a lot of junk lately about Valentine’s Day and how romantic and wonderful it is. Seriously? You ladies have to know by now how terrible that is, right? I mean, I’m the literal ghost of Saint Valentine, and even I think guys have fucked it up. I mean, first off, there is almost no mention of me at all except to say where this “holiday” came from in the first place. And also, there’s too much media attention on men, and we certainly don't need to be reminding them when and how to give their girlfriends affection. Of course, not all men are like this, but you shouldn’t give THESE men any kind of help! They need to learn how to give gifts and do stuff on their own.

I’ve been around for way too many years to let this shit slide anymore so I need to let you women know that you deserve better! The men you’re with right now don’t understand you at all! They forget to get you gifts, have terrible hygiene, and their home decor sucks ass, too. Why do so many guys’ apartments have a mattress on the ground and plaid bed sheets with no top sheet? It’s terrible! They’re giving all men a bad rep.

Ladies, you need to drop those insignificant men and get with someone way better – me. I mean, who DOESN’T want to fuck a ghost? Especially one who has been around for so long that he has plenty of experience with … women. What was I saying? Oh, yeah. Those gross alpha males are taking over MY day! I literally healed my lover from epilepsy when I was still alive– which is cooler than anything these stupid Chads have done and ever will do– and women still somehow prefer them to me! I guess what those cool guys on Reddit say is true: nice guys always finish last. We should just change this to an actual celebration of me and my many many achievements (I have a MASSIVE dick and that’s it).

It's so boring and typical for guys to be romantic for one day only. Imagine being proposed to on Valentine's Day with roses at a candlelit dinner for two in PUBLIC. It’s so cliche. I would never do that to you ladies because, unlike the men you’re used to, I’m a nice guy. However, what’s not cliche is fucking me. Please. I’m getting lonely. All the hot girls are lesbians and the ugly ones won’t get with me for some reason.

Okay, how about we just keep the holiday, but instead of Chads giving women gifts, I give women the gift of my attention. Perfect! I expect to see this implemented by next year. By the way, do you have any plans tonight?




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