You Have a Disproportionately Smaller Penis Than Most of the Animal Kingdom

Listen up penis havers. I’m tired. Every fucking time I go out, some guy (nongendered) really wants to shove their dick in my face claiming its the biggest shlong I’ll ever see. And you know what, I’m a curious type, so I let them at least give me a little show and tell. Not to touch, nonono absolutely not, just to look at. So we go to their musky ass frat room. They unzip and unsheath a richard so small most people would end up calling it ricky. And then I walk away. So I’ve come to humble the masses. Homie, your dick is small, but that’s part of being human. The vast majority of the animal kingdom has got you beat. Let me give you some examples. 

Blue Whales - Okay, tbh I’m starting off with an obvious one here. The largest animal on the planet is gonna have a huge member, that makes sense. But when you talk about how your weewee is “totally average”, I want you to think about a whale. A big fucking blue whale with an eight foot penis. Move aside “hung like a horse”, hello “walkin with a huge whale”.

Horses - I mean. Yeah. Aforementioned “hung like a horse”. If you’ve ever used that phrase unironically to refer to your own penis I can assure you. You’re not.

Elephants - Elephants are very likely to become the next dominant species after we wipe ourselves out for more reasons than one. Most of all, they are the kings of the land penis. Their smaller trunks average about four feet long AND they sometimes use them to scratch their stomachs when they get a little itchy. Bet you can’t do that, Steven. They also have the bendy straw equivalent of a penar, because when they are erect, it becomes an S-shape to facilitate breeding with its elephant lady friend. 

Tapirs - For all you uneducated swines, yes this is a real animal - look them up. These guys don’t just have massive peepees, but they can do shit with them. That’s right. Their dicks are PREHENSILE and can reach up to SIXTY PERCENT OF THEIR BODY LENGTH. So think next time you call your little mushroom a fifth limb. 

Ducks - You might be thinking - ducks? They’re so small! Surely they’re not packing-- shut the fuck up. Male ducks have internal penises that extend out when needed, extending rapidly into corkscrew shaped boners that can extend further than FIFTEEN INCHES. They might be growers, not showers, but I hope you think about this next time you feed those little champions your moldy bread.

Barnacle - That’s right. I’m getting smaller than ducks. Because even the shit that clings itself to the bottom of pirate ships is better endowed than you. In order to breed, these guys stretch their massive diddly dongs up to TEN TIMES THEIR NATURAL BODY SIZE. Like. God damn. At that rate I’m sure that those motherfuckers can last ten times longer than you too <3. 

The long and short of it is this -- it’s okay to be average. I’m just tired of this endless masculine cycle where the length of your schlong determines how much of an asshole you’re going to outwardly project yourself to be. Don’t overcompensate. And for god sake don’t even try jelqing. Be happy with your body, because your body is beautiful. Your penis may be one inch, but that’s fine, because it’s scientifically never going to be as big as a hippo’s.