Planet SU

Squirrels are one of North America’s most abundant creatures. Across the continent, they can be found scaling trees, skittering across fields, and begging to be hit by cars in suburban neighborhoods. Almost everyone on the East Coast has seen a squirrel, and nowhere are they more prevalent than… Susquehanna University. 

Our researchers are unsure what makes this university campus so attractive to the squirrel. One of the most accepted theories posited today is what its supporters call “vibes”. Apparently, SU students and staff are one of the most accepting communities for squirrels on the continent. The landscape is perfect for their squirrelly way of life, with tall trees and stray sandwiches resting temptingly on the top of trashcans. 

In addition, the squirrels residing on SU’s campus have seemed to evolve faster than squirrels outside the university’s boundaries. Off campus, squirrels are stupid, uneducated, and quite frankly inexperienced in the management of democratic republic societies. 

In contrast, SU squirrels are running many thriving small businesses, clubs, and most notably this magazine. SU squirrels also show signs of masterful English comprehension, strong understanding of the current political climates, and amazing senses of humor. They control commerce across the campus, and fun fact, the Acorn Standard is more stable than The Gold Standard.

SU squirrels are also far braver than the inferior off-campus squirrels. They rule the streets, sidewalks, and even the roofs of this campus. Golf carts, skateboards, and mere pedestrians bend to their will, change their paths to avoid harming them. And their numbers grow stronger every day. Some day, the campus will be overtaken by the squirrels, technology above what humans can achieve, trees sprouting from the concrete, buildings falling to make way for tHE PAWS OF THEIR YOUNG–

We will continue to study these advanced and college educated creatures. There is much to learn about them, and maybe even from them. May God have mercy on their squirrelly souls.