Zynners

Forgive me Father, for I have Zynned. I have strayed from your teachings of drunk cigs and cigarettes after sex. I’ve fallen into temptation and began to covet a smoke outside of the designated smoking areas at Hershey Park and my designated time for smoke breaks during my 14 hour Weis shift. 

But I didn’t stop there, your heavenly grace. I found myself craving the sinful bliss of menthol more and more, so much to the point that I acquired a Geek Bar. For the past month, I’ve been sneaking hits in during worship, at my best friend’s wedding during my best man speech, and I even baptized my sister’s kid with the air from a mango cart. I told myself that I would stop once I finished it but I spent my sinful dollars on an AirFuze. As a way to try and repent for my transgressions, I listen to Fetty Wap on repeat on my vape. Dear God, I want you to be mine again, amen.

In my darkest hour, my angel Grampa Gummy of the congregation offered me some chew and his half tobacco-filled Coke Zero bottle after worship one Sunday. He said “son, I’m gonna whoop your ahh if I catch you breathin’ the Devil’s air during the Lord’s time.” Since then I’ve quit vaping and took Kodiak as my heavenly instrument. Now during service, I close my eyes and spit into my Cherry Coke bottle while saying my prayers.

Finally, I must confess my most dire Zyns. My last Upper Deckie Lip Pillow was an hour ago on the car ride here. I spat it out in your hallowed parking lot so as not to bring my demonic shame into your hallowed halls. I meant to dispose of my vice in your holy trashcan by the curb, but became overwhelmed with guilt and so it lays like Lucifer upon the pavement.

“Our Heavenly Father who art Goated Above, forgive us for our Zyns and continue to watch over us in our drunkest hours. May your hand guide the wheel of my Toyota Corolla when I cannot, amen” - Verse from the Book of Lamentazyns