His Unholiness to Sue US President

By: Lucifer, Prince of Hell. From THE Bible

It has recently been brought to my most evil eyes that I have become a sort of “recurring gag,” as you mortals call it, in the current season of the new and wildly successful South Park. While it is quite commendable that attention is being brought to the atrocities and abuse of power being committed by some of the most powerful people in the US, I cannot help but wonder; why must my likeness be used to demonstrate the utter ungodliness of your actions? 

First of all, fuck the Bible. Have you ever read MY book? Have you ever tried to understand a side other than what you’ve clung to desperately for thousands of years? You blame either myself or women for being kicked out of the Garden, but who allowed the snake to be in there? Isn’t the ability to think and decide for yourself so much better than sitting around an empty “paradise” you tell yourselves was the best thing ever? Also, the expression “in bed with the Devil” is completely unfair. I have a wife and we are very devoted to each other; more than a lot of mormons can say, that’s for sure. Ozzy Ousbourne and Black Sabbath actually wrote a beautiful rendition of how my wife and I met, as well as my eternal devotion to her.

Also, my name is Lucifer. LUCIFER. I am not Satan, not Abaddon, not The Devil (though I suppose I am one of many in Holy Hell), and most certainly not Beelzebub. Do you even know the etymology of these names? Satan is derived from “adversary” and “accuser” in Hebrew and The Devil is derived from the Greek word “diabolos” which shares the same meanings. I thought the common understanding is that God is the one who judges you? Why am I suddenly doing his job? Abaddon is derived from the Hebrew word for “destruction” but you’ve probably done a pretty good job of that for yourself in life if you’re landing in Hell. You know what Lucifer translates to? Light Bearer and Morning Star. I’m fucking beautiful bitches, don’t try to associate me with your worst desires.

Finally, I cannot stand Donald Trump. His Chritsto-fascist ass is very much against everything I stand for and would be repented by the sheer amount of Holy scripture and Biblical symbols in the White House.

P. S. Please stop drawing pictures of me pregnant.