Dad Stoked to Party with Daughter During Halloween-Family Weekend
SUSQUEHANNA UNIVERSITY, PA—Suburban Maryland accountant Dave Donohue was super psyched to “get fucking plastered” with his daughter, junior Lindsey Donohue, this past Family Halloweekend, sources said.
On multiple occasions at Traxoween, Mr. Donhue was spotted doing the "shopping cart" with a neon green glow necklace wrapped around his head. A source confirmed overhearing Mr. Donohue singing “To the windows, to the wall, to the sweat drop down my balls, to all these bitches crawl!”
While at Trax, Mr. Donohue reportedly spoke to twenty-year old Biology major Matt Gallen following the student’s attempts to hit on daughter Lindsey. “He started asking me about my five-year plan and my credit score,” Gallen said of Mr. Donohue. “Then he gave me one of his three free beers of the night, the son of a bitch.”
When Gallen and Lindsey resumed flirted, witnesses stated that Mr. Donohue stared at Gallen, making one hand into the shape of a circle and poking the index finger of his other hand in and out of the ring.
Mr. Donohue and Lindsey allegedly left Trax around midnight to go to a house party. Once there, Mr. Donohue proceeded to annihilate his competitors in sixteen straight rounds of beer pong while advising spectators on the amortization of intangible fixed assets.
“He was a pong god and I felt religion, man!” said Lambda Delta Sigma brother Jason Smith. “Plus I learned a lot about the difference on consolidation between the fair value of my payments for certain subsidiaries and the fair value of my acquired net assets.”
Following the pong performance, senior Steven Lane was reportedly drawn to Mr. Donohue in an erotic manner, and the two began dancing to Ariana Grande’s “Into You.” Sources claimed to have overheard Mr. Donohue say with a wink to daughter Lindsey, “Don’t tell Mom.” When reaching out to Mr. Donohue for comment on Sunday morning, The Squirrel found the father passed out in a dumpster behind the Degenstein Campus Center.
