THE DECLARATION OF LAWN SHAPE INDEPENDENCE

WE THE PEOPLE of Acorn Valley, Pennsylvania, in order to form a more perfect neighborhood, establish justice for all lawn shapes, ensure neighborly tranquility, provide for common sense, promote gardening welfare, and secure the blessings of the local squirrels, do ordain and establish this constitutional declaration of lawn shape independence for the united homeowners of Acorn Valley.

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one neighborhood to dissolve the hexagon-shaped bonds which have connected them with one another, and to assume, by the powers of MacKensaileighlee of the HOA, the splitting of lawns granted through the boundless shapes of the known world, a decent respect to the power of mankind and squirrels requires they should declare the causes which impel them to such a change. 

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all lawns are created equal, that they are endowed by Mother Earth and MacKensaileighlee of the HOA with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of shapes other than hexagons. That to secure these rights, councils are instituted by men, deriving their powers from the consent of the neighborhood and the squirrels. 

Whenever any form of city council becomes destructive in requiring all lawns be shaped like fucking hexagons, it is the right of the people, the squirrels, and MacKensaileighlee of the HOA to alter or abolish the council and institute a new one, laying its foundation on such principles of lawn shape independence which will effect the neighborhood’s safety and happiness. 

Francine, head of city council and mayor, will indeed dictate that lawn shapes long established should not be changed for light causes, such as empty and unused space or nature not comprehending what a hexagon growing pattern is, and accordingly this city’s experience hath shown that we are more disposed to suffer with Betty’s tomato vines growing over into Cathy’s pumpkin patch and Bob’s trees dropping acorns onto Jerry’s delicate freshwater pond ecosystem, than to abolish this unfair system. 

It is our right, and our duty, as people of Acorn Valley to throw off the bonds of hexagon lawns and provide more lawn freedom for our generations going forward, establishing security in the face of repeated aesthetic abuses and tyranny by this city council. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world:

We can vote you all out in the next election :)