Letter From the Mayor

Welcome to Acorn Valley, the Secondest Town in PA! I’m sure you’ll be moving here soon whether you want to or not. This town has a way of…drawing people in. Normally, this would be a video that we strap you down and force you to watch so you can acclimate to the area, but a horde of squirrels chewed through the power lines again so I had to write it down for you. Don’t worry, though. The squirrels will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law, which will be a lot given they are legal citizens of Acorn Valley!

We are a very open and approachable place to live, but there are a few things you need to know in order to survi—thrive in this town: 

• You are going to see the same man everywhere you go. He will look inexplicably familiar to you, but you will never be able to place where you know him from. If you approach him, he will not respond to you and when you look away, he will not be there when you look back. Pay no mind to him, if he even exists. People in the past have tried to track him down to no avail. His name might be James, but as we cannot find him on any tax or legal forms, nobody is entirely sure. You will get a friend request on Facebook from him, though. Accept it the first time he sends it, else your inbox is flooded with him every single day. 

• Stay away from the statue in the middle of town. Pierre Skwerrelle, the founder, had this commissioned of his dear pet squirrel, also named Pierre, on his horse, yet again named Pierre. Those aren’t their real names but I don’t care enough to find out. It's a pretty statue from afar, but the local squirrels have claimed it as their own. Despite the abnormally large population of lawyers here, the courts have determined they get squatters rights over the statue and have the legal right to maim, maul, or otherwise harm people who intrude. Their representation is surprisingly tough in court, and none of our human lawyers have been able to win against them. 

• If you get married here or are looking to get married, there is one judge and you have to be nice to him. His name is Jim and he will never die. However, if you want to get divorced, there are innumerable lawyers here who would love to take your case, especially if their ex is your spouse’s lawyer. You could try to find a lawyer who isn’t divorced from another lawyer, but there’s only like five at this point. Oh, wait. Three now. I just got an invitation for another divorce party. 

• When, not if, you want to sue someone, they will never go to jail. There’s only one policeman, and he’s so bad at his job. So so bad. You can find him outside the donut shop, but he swears he’s not eating donuts, he’s just busy flirting with the waitress. I can’t personally verify, though, because I keep getting distracted by the glare on his bald head. It’s just so shiny. 

Well, I’m glad you stayed long enough to read this. Most people would have gnawed through the straps by now. Only those who truly belong here are able to stay for the whole thing. Congratulations! Your new address will be assigned to you by the HOA president, and your mail will be delivered soon by Cardinal Robin’s carrier pigeons. Good luck, and get out. I’m busy now.