Susquehanna University's satirical news source
November 16, 2016
The Illuminati have been extremely proud of their accomplishments this
presidential race. They’ve carefully pulled the strings to elevate candidates who
have obvious ties to corporate conglomerates, preach blatantly sexist and
discriminatory practices, and deny such things as healthy vaccination and climate
change, while the American public has been forced to watch in complete dismay.
According to insider reports, these sorts of things are usually decided through a
combination of roulette wheels and Bingo, but this year the partying went a little too
“We did the wheels and I guess someone somewhere tried to get Bingo started, but
everyone was just far too drunk to pay any attention” reports an anonymous
undercover agent whose probably dead by now, “The execs kept handing out gift
baskets and opening bottles of champagne, congratulating everyone on a job well
Apparently the drinks just kept on coming, through game after game of Syrian Risk,
ISIS Clue, and North Korean Mad Libs. By the time polls were closed, everyone was
having just way too much fun to care.
“When we all came to the next morning, the votes were in, and for once we had
nothing to do with it.”
That’s right America, for once the popular vote has truly made the final choice to be
considered by the Electoral College!
So be proud, or ashamed, one of the two.
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