Are YOU tired of lugging around that corpse? Is the smell of rotting flesh becoming too much for Febreeze to handle? Well, you’re in luck, because I’m here to help!
At least 20 college students were murdered each year since 2004 in campuses across the United States. What’s stopping you from dumping them on the grounds of Susquehanna University? After doing research of my own and communicating with ex-murderers and serial killers, I have accumulated a list of the top eight places to hide your dead body! (You won’t believe number 7!)
1. Attic of Steele Hall
For those familiar with the glorious infrastructure of the famed Steele Hall, you know that the cramped stairways and long ascents are quite tiresome on the legs. No one would EVER think to climb all the way to the attic, giving you the perfect hiding spot to get rid of your “accident.”
2. Holt’s Pond behind Steele Hall
If you don’t want to dump your body inside Steele Hall, why not do it outside? There’s a plot of trees and thick brush behind Steele Hall, a perfect location to hide the corpse in plain sight. With such a poorly lit path behind the building, no one will ever see the final result of your dastardly deed! Better yet, you science majors out there can practice dissections, ensuring you get that A.
3. The stairs underneath the stairs
If you don’t want to be creative in how you hide the body, you can toss it in the muskiness of the dark arch at the back of Bogar Hall. Just toss ol’ Grannie down the set of stairs, hide her away in the dark, and you’re good to take her inheritance!
4. Pipe Hall in the “lower levels” of Fisher
If you get caught disposing of a body in the creepy pipe hall under Fisher, just say you hid in the basement instead. Both administration and local authorities will be confused, because basements don’t exist in Susquehanna—only lower levels.
5. Under the stands of the football stadium
The trick is getting the body over the fence, but if you manage to do that, fate will take over from there. When the body starts to rot, the putrid smell will blend in perfectly with the odor of thousands of sweaty River Hawks cheering in ninety-degree heat.
6. Under the train tracks outside of TRAX
There’s no better place to dump my cheating ex than underneath the arch to the train tracks. The drop is steep; if you let the body roll, it will most likely become masked by the foliage growing in the pit. Think of it as service to the local community…of stray cats.
7. Bell tower of Weber Chapel
Uh, hello? A dead body in the bell tower? Does this not sound like a good idea to anyone? No one has ever found a dead body in a bell tower—ever!
8. First-Year Parking Lot
If you’re willing to take the hike through the campus’ longest obstacle, then you’ll most likely achieve the most successful payoff. No one will ever dare venture to the farthest corner of first-year parking. If you’re willing to take the hike, you will not get caught. I promise.
Good luck to all you amateurs out there learning the ropes of the criminal underworld! If you have any questions or concerns, (or thank-yous) feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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