In a report issued by the Oxford English Dictionary, “fake news” has replaced “love” as the most overly, inappropriately, and ambiguously used term, and is thus rendered completely devoid of any real meaning in the American English language.
In response, Cupid has extended his immense thanks and praise to all American citizens.
“For centuries, people have been tossing ‘love’ around like monkeys slinging shit,” explained the rosy-cheeked cherub. “It was making my job of encouraging compassion and romance between people, as well as the basic task of validating my existence, really tough. But now, I’m back!”
Cupid noted the sheer incredibility of this transfer of language politics and power.
“In a world where twelve-year-olds text each other ‘ily omg ilysm,’ a world where affection is commodified in Hallmark cards and Godiva chocolate, a world where the entertainment industry makes a travesty of my good name with garbage like Say Yes to the Dress and that clusterfuck circus known as The Bachelor, I really did not think it would ever be possible for another term to become even more hollow and worthless,” the squishy, winged babe noted. “But if there’s anyone who can do the impossible and delegitimize a concept so integral to the functioning of society, like the core tenets of ethical journalism, it’s the Americans.”
This Valentine’s Day, Cupid plans to express his appreciation for the American people by sending every citizen flowers and reminders of their loneliness. Said the diaper-clad archer in a recent tweet, “Thank you, entire American populace! Expect a dozen roses this V-Day! Love you guys!”
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