A massive upset followed a heated game of Upset the Fruit Basket as Talia Johnson tripped over her own two feet and crashed to the floor, spraining both knees and left pinky toe. The five-foot-one, 82-pound sophomore was rushed to the Geisinger Medical Center where doctors diagnosed her injuries. They suggested that her current condition may prevent her from fully participating in Move-In Day this Thursday, and cautioned her against walking up and down too many flights of stairs with heavy boxes.
The diagnosis caused Johnson to start seizing and screaming on the examination table, and medical personnel rushed her to the Counseling Center for sedation and overnight monitoring.
The news has since caused mass hysteria, sending Lead Staff and many other members of O-Team into a raging panic.
“We absolutely need all hands on deck for Move-In Day,” Team Captain John Adams told reporters in a press conference this afternoon as he shoveled some Xanax down his throat. “If Talia can’t perform, then it’s all over. Who’s going to carry those wicker baskets and full-length door mirrors into all those rooms now? Certainly not the football team, that’s for sure. The lazy fuckers.”
Orientation Coordinator Maria Cardello shared similar concerns, telling reporters over whiskey shots at Bot’s Tavern, “It’s all over. The entire operation rested on the bony shoulders of a girl too fragile for ballet. And then it all crumbled like my GPA after I turned 21.”
Johnson’s injury has also complicated Move-In Day’s vehicular logistics. Director of Public Safety Stan Geller commented, “We spent months creating a traffic pattern based around Johnson’s fancy feet and foxlike movements. Now we’ll need to reconfigure the whole thing. It’s a disaster.”
Prior to the accident, orientation analysts had been monitoring Johnson’s first-year activities and concluded that she was prime O-Team material. Joe Davis of Fox Sports had called the fierce and fiery Habitat for Humanity secretary a “holy Jesus monster” in a television report last March. Many experts had high expectations for the rookie’s Move-In Day performance, NBC’s Bob Costas even venturing that she was a “serious” contender in the Mini Fridge Carrying contest.
“News of Johnson’s injuries are a tragedy greater than spilling your drive-through 2 Chalupas Supreme Combo and large Mountain Dew Baja Blast Freeze on the patio three feet from your front door,” Costas said through tears in a television report last night, the studio ablaze behind him.
When asked if he had any regrets subjecting his O-Team Leaders to such a hazardous training regimen, Adams said that every O-Team Leader understands and accepts the risks inherent in icebreaker activities.
“Look, we rank each icebreaker as either low risk, medium risk, or high risk,” Adams said. “Upset the Fruit Basket is high risk, as opposed to Two Truths and a Lie, which is low risk. Everyone knows that. But the high risk icebreakers reap the greatest rewards: unparalleled bonding experiences that literally turn your shit into safe-to-swallow rainbow sprinkles. Johnson understood this. She wanted it. We all wanted it.”
At press time, Johnson was reportedly playing with an adult coloring book while repeatedly muttering, “Cherry. Cherry Coke. I just needed to tell people that I drink Cherry Coke too. Cherries.”
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