Susquehanna Mall Cops Can't Handle Weed; Get Guns

“We’d only use them on people of color, and there aren’t even that many here to begin with.”

In an unprecedented move, Susquehanna University has given its public safety officers license to carry actual, real, functioning firearms. The officers, who have to call real police to handle any weed on campus, drive golf carts, and are frequently subject to varying degrees of student complaints, were armed amid national unease surrounding the potential for active shooter scenarios on college campuses.

The university believes that arming white men who were deemed to be “psychologically unfit” by police academies within a department with a history of inappropriate work conduct will actually lower the chances of a shooting occurring on the campus.

“It’s definitely a choice, I guess,” remarked white junior Mitch McConkle. “I really don’t get what all the fuss is about.”

Many students seem to share McConkle’s blasé attitude, though the take on the situation is far from universal.

“I’ve already signed the transfer forms. I’d say this was the straw that broke the camel’s back, but it’s much more like the most recent, significantly larger brick dropped on the already substantial pile of bricks that I’m just tired of holding at this point,” offered black sophomore Lee Harper, who many may have previously recognized as the single person of color used in all Susquehanna advertisements.

The Department of Public Safety has defended the university’s decision to militarize their glorified mall cops.

“The concerns students have just don’t line up with our agenda,” said Bob Ewell, the director of Public Safety. “Realistically, we’d only ever be inclined to shoot colored folk, and at a school like Susquehanna, the odds of that opportunity ever even presenting itself are, unfortunately, extremely slim.”