SU Introduces New ‘Super Confidential’ Sexual Assault Reporting

Students Can Now Be Confident No One Will Ever Hear About Their Assault, Say Admins

In response to student demands for Susquehanna University to take the Title IX mandated reporting process for sexual assault and rape cases more seriously, the university has rolled out a new reporting method which is to be made available to students starting this fall. “Confidential reporters” as established in the original statue will henceforth be regulated as “super confidential,” and any information given to them must immediately be censored and hidden with any physical evidence immediately destroyed.

The administration’s new policy will ensure that students will no longer be left wondering whether the information they provided to a trusted source will be properly processed, if their preferences on whether the case moves forward at the criminal or university level, or not at all, or even if any measure to make them feel safe on this campus will ever be taken.

“Oh, it will absolutely never be passed on,” said Title IX coordinator Brock Tanner. “Students no longer have to deal with the uncertainty that came with filing complaints or even speaking to a trusted mentor about a personal problem. We will make absolutely no considerations for victim’s desires and immediately bury their case as deep into the bureaucratic sludge as possible. That’s the SU guarantee.”