How To Avoid Being Charged With Sexual Assault In The Politically-Charged- #MeToo-Movement-Political
As a college senior, it has taken me almost four years to realize how much of an issue we have, as one of the hundreds of Liberal Arts Colleges across the United States, with sexual assault and harassment culture. Before you put down this essay because it seems to be just another socially conscious leftist dudebro preaching to the void in order to be accepted by his hippy Hillary-loving girlfriend, let me explain that that is not who I am. I am one of you. A football player, a lacrosse lover, a diehard baseball boy fraternity Vice President and dedicated Crown Ambassador Reserve Lager drinker. I write today to help open your eyes to the growing issue of polarized social politics which have festered in our dorm rooms, our campus centers, and worst of all, in our classrooms.
During my first semester of my freshman year, I began to notice subtle trends of microaggressions made not only by fellow classmates, but also by professors, calling out straight white men for being overly privileged, entitled, close-minded and aggressive. I began to withdraw myself from classroom discussions after I noticed people around me roll their eyes or disengage, the minute I was reluctantly called on by a professor. For three years I sat by and let this abuse and aggression steamroll my participation grades.
A few months ago I had finally had enough. I began defending myself, insisting that we are not all bad, but simply products of this negative environment that has been created. If you tell someone they’re terrible for long enough they’ll start believing it, I insisted. Yet still I was brushed off, shut down by this oppressive system of consciousness that has already deemed me criminal.
Gentlemen, we are being targeted. We are being harassed. People are genuinely threatened by us and so we have become the go-to. We have become the aggressor. The stalker. The harasser. The number one perpetrators of sexual assault on college campuses. A trope has been born. A, dare I say, stereotype. White, straight, males have become the epitome of evil. Our masculinity more potent, more toxic than any other group of men. Making us the perfect target, scapegoat, enemy of the helpless, drunk, embarrassed, scorn, vengeful, unforgiving woman.
No longer will I be silenced or oppressed by this new wave of politically correct feminazis, bent on putting every single heterosexual Caucasian male in a lower class. Gentlemen, I implore you to read on, and learn how I avoided becoming another sexual assault victim.
In order to escape the slippery slope of these tropes, you must effectively infiltrate the socially conscious leftist culture and make them believe you are the exception by following a few easy steps that will give the allusion of being a part of the whole, while still maintaining your true identity as a straight white male.
Start small. Show support for a minority group by signing up for one of their club’s email lists at the next club fair. You can send the emails right to your junk mail and never actually attend a meeting, but you’ve shown interest when you were in public. They’ll notice and appreciate your efforts.
When one of those temporary Facebook profile picture filters comes out to show support for the LGBTQ community, add it for a day or two. When people ask, spin a story about a gay cousin who came out to you and how you had to hide it from your family because he asked you not to tell. By keeping his secret you began to appreciate the difficulty people face when carrying a secret like that. How aware you became of people using phrases like “that’s so gay” to say something is stupid, or how it became so much more personal when guys on your football team said the word “faggot” because it felt like they were attacking your cousin. Tell them that you stood up for him, and for people like him, even when he wasn’t there because you knew that was the right thing to do.
You don’t have to mean any of it, but they’ll fall for a story like that every time. They want to believe that they have found “one of the good ones.” You’ll start to see a change in the way they treat you in class. Less eye-rolling and more interest in what you have to say, and all you did was change your profile temporarily and fake a story about an emotional, eye-opening, experience.
Pull off the illusion of this and you’ll have women convincing each other that nothing fishy could possibly ever happen with you because you’re not like the other ones. Do it well enough and you could even have women defending your character in front of a conduct board, should it ever some to something that serious.
Finally, you’ll have to avoid the number one tell of being their stereotypical white boy. Mansplaining. The best way to avoid appearing as though you’re mansplaining is shying away from starting your sentences with any of the following phrases: “Well actually…”, “In my opinion…”, “But you don’t understand…”, “That’s not as bad as…” or most obvious of all, “Cause I’m a guy and I know how we think…”
It’s also important to be aware of interrupting. Interrupt too often and you’ll be right back to being ignored in classes by peers and professors alike. Never compare anything in your experience to something specific to the female experience, especially pregnancy and periods. That’s an automatic red flag. Even topics like sexual assault that may seem like they’re asking for your perspective, they’re not trust me, it’s just another test.
When your bros and your teammates come to you with questions or accusations of betrayal, show them this essay. Explain to them the ways of survival. Tell them to use similar techniques. Create a group of friends who appear to be socially conscious and engaged. They will be more inclined to believe you’re different than your appearance if you align yourself with other guys who have also “proved” themselves to be socially “woke.” When in reality, you’re all just the same people you were when you came to college, but you’ve created a barrier, a wall, a protection system, the perfect amount of reasonable doubt. You’ve masked yourself in their scent and now you have the support of brothers you trust, brothers just like you who are ready to prove them wrong about the stereotype of the straight, white, overly-masculine male.
It’s all about showcasing the “good guy” you are when you’re in public. That means in classes, in the cafeteria, and even sometimes on the weekends. Now, that doesn’t mean that you have to be “on” one hundred percent of the time. We can still have our practices, free of social commentary, political campaigns or masks of any kind, and Saturdays will still be for the boys. So gentlemen, I leave you with this solution to all of your problems. Creating a persona is the best way to avoid becoming another one of the left’s caricatures, falling prey to their ideas about who you are as a core person based on the way you look, instead of getting to know you before criminalizing you and publicly convicting you of an assault you haven’t yet committed.
