SELINSGROVE, PA - After receiving numerous complaints from the student body about the school’s lack of direct action in investigating sexual assault on campus, Susquehanna University President Jon Green has taken it upon himself to make right the university’s questionable track record of handling sexual abuse incidents. A press conference was held by Green on Saturday morning in Weber Chapel, during which he took to the stand and formally addressed this delicate but pressing issue.
“I would like to take this moment to assure the student body that your pleas have been answered, your calls for action have been heeded, your demands for change have been recognized,” Green was reported as having begun his speech. “Starting this Monday, anybody who engages in the act of sexual assault will have their mother officially decreed as homosexual.” After the announcement was made, reporters were quick to ask prominent faculty and staff their opinions on what’s sure to be an impactful decision.
“While it may not have been wholly apparent, we’ve been trying to narrow down a solution for some time now, and this move just feels right,” said Susquehanna University Dean of Admissions Sprungus Chorkleheim. “Unfortunately, we’re kinda short on funds right now, so we’re hoping that the natural forces of social exclusion and public shame will wrap up this issue in a nice little bow,” Chorkleheim added. Students in attendance were conveyed mixed responses to the announcement.
“Honestly, this is just another example of lazy slacktivism on the university’s part,” sophomore Communications major Prichard Hungles told reporters. “I mean really, it’s like these schmucks don’t know a clear solution when they see it. It’s obvious that ‘your dad lesbian’ is a much more scathing insult to employ and would be leagues more effective in preventing sexual assault on campus. If someone said that to me after I had committed the most severe act of bodily violation possible, well, I’m sure I’d be right upset about that. Honestly, I don’t think this place will ever change.” Others in attendance were keen to point out Jon Green’s leopard print bowtie as a sign of hypocrisy in his stance against rape, stating that he was “practically asking for it” being dressed like that.