Kraft Company Expected to Release New Types of Macaroni

Receiving complaints from all over the country about fires and smoke alarms, the Kraft Company announced on Monday that they are making Easy Mac easier. Kraft CEO John Thompson told reporters that “Easy Mac has caused a lot of problems recently. College students and high-school dropouts alike keep putting it in the microwave with no water. Thousands of smoke alarms go off every day and at least like 2 or 3 houses have burned down probably.”

Thompson described the new products, which are Relatively Easy Mac and Completely Idiot-Proof Mac: “Relatively Easy Mac is just our original product out of the box, where the consumer must boil water and add milk, butter, and cheese on their own. We renamed it so people will clearly understand what they’re getting themselves into, and that this product is for advanced chefs only.”

According to the 8-year CEO of the company, Completely Idiot-Proof Mac has water and cheese soaked into it at the factory and “You can just throw that shit in the microwave.” Kraft is also working on their own brand of microwave with just one button, labeled ‘Macaroni’, so users are literally incapable of screwing up.

On Thursday, a Colorado man reportedly burned his house down after putting Completely Idiot-Proof Mac in the oven for 6 hours. Thompson refused to comment on the incident.

Brand names and trademarks used in this article remain the property of their respective owners. This use of any company, firm, or brand does not imply any endorsement or affiliation with The Squirrel.