College Stoners Discuss World Problems, Solve Them

With many Americans hysterical over ISIS, Ebola, school and government shootings as well as lingering tension from Middle Eastern conflicts, two Susquehanna students have smoked enough pot to apparently find solutions.

“The thing that Obama and all those other guys in the White House don’t know is how to love and forgive,” sophomore Jason Phillips said. “Once they do, the entire world will be at peace.”

When asked about how one learns to love and forgive, Phillips, whose entire face was covered in Cheeto dust, sat quietly for probably fifteen minutes before answering. “That’s the million-dollar question, now isn’t it?” he responded.

Phillips’ roommate, Henry “OG” Miller, turned down whatever indie music was playing. “It’s like when caterpillars become butterflies,” said Miller. “It is not natural to stay a caterpillar forever, but we can’t all be butterflies right away.”

At press time, the two have allegedly moved on from politics and are working to fix the environment.