Ireland Legalizes Drugs for Senator's Birthday Party

This past Tuesday, an Irish Court of Appeals legalized more than 100 Class-A drugs for two days. These substance included ketamine, ecstasy, crystal meth, and magic mushrooms. At first, officials announced that this was the result of a legal loophole: Irish Judge Sean Donnelly ruled the the legislation prohibiting certain drugs was illegal because it had never been approved by both houses of the Irish Parliament. As there was no new legislation to replace what was repealed, the drugs became legal until a new law could be passed.

However, the situation is now revealing itself to be a complex party-planning conspiracy by members of the Irish government. In a recently released statement, Ireland’s Minister for Health, Leo Varadkar, admitted that he and other officials “added a bloody ton of drugs to the Misuse of Drugs Act in 1977 in a deliberately illicit manner” so that “Judge Donnelly would overturn the legislation in time for Senator Brendon O’Neill’s surprise fiftieth birthday party.”

The party planning committee consisted of Varadkar, Donnelly, Prime Minster Edna Kenny, and Senator Erin Gallagher. “We just wanted to do something nice for our friend,” said Varadkar in an interview with BBC news, speaking of O’Neill. “He’s a bloody great fella, and we thought he deserved to get off-his-face high as he turned the big 5-0.”

“Of course,” Varadkar continued, “We were ready for the negative backlash. Legislation was prepared and approved in advance by the Cabinet. This way, we could easily send a bill over to President Michael Higgins, so he wouldn’t suspect our tactics–or that we hadn’t invited him to the party.”

“It was totally worth the effort,” gushed Senator Gallagher to The Irish Times. “All of us, including Brendon, attended the court trial together. Then, when Seany gave the ruling, we all jumped up and shouted ‘SURPRISE!’ The look on Brendon’s face was priceless.”

When asked what he had thought of his colleagues birthday gift, Senator O’Neill said “bloody good top of the mornin’ starshine!”

Last Wednesday, The Squirrel sent reporter Jeremy Porter to Ireland in order to gain more information on the country’s current drug situation. Other than a few unintelligible texts, we have not heard back from him since.

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