Squirrels Embraced by University: Minimal Injuries Reported

To celebrate change, the administration has happily announced the new and improved Dog Days at Susquehanna, now with smaller, furrier, and less friendly dogs. Every week on the lawn outside Deg, squirrels can be seen trying to escape their leashes unsuccessfully.

Additionally, the university’s art and photography classes will now only approve Squirrel themed projects, which are now proudly displayed in the Degenstein Gallery, in place of the original showcase of protest art. Similarly, the music department has been asked to compose songs for Squirrel Worship Days, held every Sunday morning in Weber Chapel. Attendance is optionally mandatory.

Another event many people are excited to attend is the Running of the Squirrels. In October, students will be able to get in a quick workout with our new mascot. During this event, participants run for their lives as the squirrels playfully chase them. In order to attract the animals, participants are forcibly doused in Acorn Body Spray as they leave academic buildings. The spray is now sold in the Susquehanna bookstore for a modest price.

The university has also asked students and faculty to participate in Squirrel Shave November. During this month, people will not shave to support the animals. Public Safety officials confiscated all razors and hair removal products from dorm rooms, and anyone caught with any such products during the month face severe penalty.

This raises awareness of the school’s mascot change and is also a fun way to regress back into our pre-evolved state. Squirrels will soon not be the only fury things on campus.

The urgency to change Susquehanna’s mascot has been felt by students on campus. The Crusader is officially out, and the Squirrel is the replacement. Some students have openly criticized this change, but when we reached out to them for comments a large number had suddenly gone on vacation.