Susquehanna University Considers New Mascot

Amidst much recent criticism and debate over the political correctness of the university's mascot, The Crusader, Susquehanna administrators have officially announced that the Christian conqueror is no more, and have begun to consider options for a replacement. Though the decision has not yet been reached as to what the decades-old symbol of college pride will be changed to, school officials have been vetting similarly iconic figures of white Christian supremacy.

One university representative told The Squirrel, "We, as a university, have a longstanding tradition of representing our institution with strong figures that represent our most important ideals as an educational establishment: oppression and the dominance of the white man. Some concerns were raised by current students as to how appropriate 'The Crusader' was in this day and age, and we listened to and respected their voices, but, moving forward with this change, we still want a mascot that reflects our history and that will appeal to our primarily white alumni and other donors."

At the time of writing, a few viable options have been presented, inclusing the 'Susquehanna Klansman' and the 'Susquehanna Gestapo.'

"We're very excited about both of these choices, as many administrators and, we assume, students, have shown their approval for them. However, when we focus tested the Gestapo outfit we had some people who thought it was a costume from one of those Marvel movies. That worries us a little."

Concerns have been raised about fire safety if 'The Klansman' cose to burn crosses on the football field during halftime. "The outfit would be cheaper though, since most of us have a spare set of robes at home," another official noted, adding that, on the other hand, the Gestapo mascot did allow for increased merchandising including armbands to be sold in the student store for a modest price, and had a school pride salute built in.

Following the announcement of the change to come, hundreds of alumni have lashed out at the university for what they perceive as a growing lack of Islamophobia on campus, and have begun signing petitions and threatening to withdraw their donations. Not all are worried, however: alumnus and respected local used car salesman Kurt Wallace told The Squirrel, "Look, if they're going to change it that's fine, as long as we make sure whatever they change it to still offends some minority group."