A Feminist Proposal
2 Beers—$7,
3 Margaritas—$15,
4 Jell-O Shots—$20,
Taking home the girl who drank all of the above…PRICELESS.
These words, printed on t-shirts sold in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, one year during spring break, reflect the deplorable condition of college campuses in the United States. Statistics indicate that 1 in 4 women will fall subject to at least one sexual attack over the course of their college careers. Additionally, about 85 percent of rapes that occur on campuses are date rape, unconsented intercourse in which the victim personally knows the attacker.
Since the 1970s, the same universities and colleges that pride themselves for the development of Women’s Studies programs refuse to adopt policies that address the issue of sexual assault on their campuses. This social injustice is unacceptable because it makes women vulnerable to future abuses and suggests that American universities are indifferent to such wrongdoings.
In 1977 feminist Adrienne Rich presented the speech, “Claiming an Education,” at Douglass College’s Convocation. She advised her audience of female freshmen to actively and confidently “claim,” rather than passively “receive,” their collegiate educations. To Rich, a woman who takes control of her education—by challenging her beliefs and developing a strong, passionate work ethic—also takes responsibility for her life.
Now, almost 40 years later, I propose that women “reclaim” their college experiences by initiating a minor academic reform that is sure to produce major results in support of the feminist platform. Recent polls surveying college freshmen and professors revealed that First-Year Writing Courses—compulsory classes designed to help students hone the necessary skills to produce written assignments that meet collegiate-level standards of verbal communication—are entirely ineffective, since students are severely reluctant to remedy their bad habits. Therefore, in an effort to enhance the quality of higher education and resolve the despicable date rape crisis on college campuses, I propose that all First-Year Writing Courses be replaced with courses on how to enjoy date rape, which will be known as RAPE 101: Introduction to the Enjoyment of Date Rape.
Since date rape is considered a “problem” due to the fact that women feel “violated” during such an “assault,” the action is labeled a crime. However, if women were to enjoy the experience, they would have no need to report date rape to law enforcement agencies. Thus, while rape will technically still be illegal, the implementation of RAPE 101 courses throughout the country will proficiently eradicate the problems associated with date rape by reestablishing the current system of females’ sexual oppression into a new system of sexual privilege for both genders. Men will continue to utilize women’s bodies for sexual pleasure without their partners’ consent and women will learn how to find sexual satisfaction during forced intercourse with their acquaintances.
The two main learning objectives of RAPE 101 are 1) To develop a comprehensive understanding of the ways in which being the victim of date rape can be enhanced for women, and 2) To apply classroom knowledge to the outside world. The remainder of this proposal deals specifically with these two aims. However, professors are not limited to these objectives; rather, they are encouraged to explore multiple, interdisciplinary learning goals, such as the following: to achieve a greater appreciation for the artistic aesthetics of date rape; to expertly utilize primary source documents to analyze the connections between date rape and feminist theory; and to examine date rape differences among heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, queer, and transgender communities.
A typical course syllabus will introduce students to the various uses and benefits of the three main types of date rape drugs: Rohypnol, gamma hydroxybutyric acid (GHB), and Ketamine. Students will be educated on the different euphemisms for certain drugs and the ways in which they can exploit these delightful monikers. For example, Ketamine is sometimes referred to as “Special K.” In class, men will be taught to charmingly offer their female partners some “Special K with almond milk and dried fruit,” an irresistible treat that women will enjoy ingesting because it is delicious and low in calories. Students will also acquire expansive knowledge on the effects of date rape drugs. Then, in an effort to provide women with greater authority, professors will suggest that males allow their female partners to choose which substances they would prefer to have dropped in their drinks. In this case, many women will likely learn to opt for GHB, which produces dream-like feelings. While intoxicated, a woman will believe that she is making love to Ryan Gosling or Leonardo DiCaprio on a beach in Bermuda, rather than fucking Acne Adam on a beer-stained Star Wars rug.
Professors will also note that alcohol can be a type of date rape drug if it is used properly. Statistics indicate that the majority of people who were offended by the t-shirts mentioned above did not object to the use of alcoholic beverages to seduce women. Rather, they were disgusted by the fact that women were not active participants in their intoxication, claiming that the women merely accepted drinks from other men and did not enjoy earning them. To remedy this common complaint, RAPE 101 will explore the benefits of “girly drink” drinking games, like strawberry daiquiri pong, as an exciting and engaging intoxication technique. In this way, women can have fun swallowing spiked beverages reminiscent of a tropical island while they are being prepped for date rape.
Next, professors will educate their students on the proper ways to ask for sexual consent. If these methods are executed correctly, males will fail to receive consent and females will contentedly accept that such failures will be ignored. One example of these techniques is flattery. A man, when his request for sexual consent is denied, will be instructed to begin complimenting his female partner’s beautiful eyes, stunning highlights, sophisticated intellect, and mysterious personality. This strategy distracts the woman from the fact that she has not provided consent, while simultaneously elevates her self-esteem.
I recognize that date rape virgins—or virgins in general—may experience feelings of nervousness or sheer horror as semi-strange men thrust furiously inside of them without permission. However, since all women just want their first time to be special, RAPE 101 will address the ways in which men can assuage virgins’ butterflies through thoughtful tactics designed to create memorable date rapes. For instance, professors will suggest decorating grimy fraternity basements with red rose petals or perching vanilla-scented candles atop kegs. If, during the rape, virgins continue to display signs of anxiety, or perhaps even begin fearfully yelling for help, males will be taught to hum a few bars of a smooth, romantic Ed Sheeran song—a method that is sure to melt any woman’s heart, or at the very least conceal her screams.
On a related subject, there is the possibility that date rape may be painful for “delicate” women, as energetic gyrations can produce tears along the vaginal walls, resulting in permanent damage and perhaps infertility. This excruciating experience may cause women to start instinctively screaming. However, since incessant shrieking is not pleasurable for men nor women, RAPE 101 will address the various methods for silencing females’ screams during coerced intercourse. For example, to suppress their female partners’ piercing objections, males will be educated on how to cover women’s mouths with one hand, thus muffling the annoying noise. Professors will stress the importance of this technique, noting that females with cold feet may use their arms to fight off males mid-rape. Therefore, mastery of the One-Handed Mouth Cover allows men the freedom to use their other hands to gather their partners’ wrists and hold down their limbs if the need should arise. Alternatively, to squelch their own screams, women will be taught to simply bite their tongues. This technique will most certainly be easy for female students to master, as it is a practice commonly utilized and endorsed throughout the globe.
Instead of a final examination, RAPE 101 courses will typically culminate with a group project. Teams of five students—four males and one female—will be prompted to design their own Potluck Fuck, a combination of a romantic candle-lit dinner and a gang bang. These group date rapes must incorporate methods that will enhance the quality of the experience for the women involved. One common technique entails serving aphrodisiacs, like oysters and chocolate-covered strawberries, during the rape. Additionally, while holding the female face-down on the floor while his other team members take turns copulating with said female, one male may wish to provide the female partner with a relaxing shiatsu, complete with natural coconut and pineapple massage oils. Professors will note that extra points are earned for creativity. Once these projects are designed, groups must present a full demonstration of their Potluck Fucks to their classes. Thus, RAPE 101 will promote the importance of some oral skills over others.
As previously mentioned, RAPE 101 supports feminism. Despite their obviousness, the ways in which this proposed academic reform advocates feminist ideology are enumerated below:
First, RAPE 101 is a practical application of liberal feminism, a sect of feminist thought that aims to incorporate women into prevailing political, economic, and social institutions through education. Specifically, date rape courses will make women valuable, contributing, and thriving members of the nation’s rape culture without the use of radical measures that upset social norms.
Second, RAPE 101 will endorse clitoral orgasm. Since the 1960s and 1970s, feminists have argued that men’s insistence on vaginal orgasm as the only acceptable form of physical pleasure for females is sexually oppressive. In an effort to combat this misogynistic practice, RAPE 101 will empower women to demand that their rapists provide them with clitoral orgasms. Additionally, the courses will devote an extensive amount of time towards the study of clitoral anatomy. Men will finally learn how to exploit the clitoris and bring their partners that sweet sunshine sensation known as sexual satisfaction. During classes, professors will discuss effective “third base” techniques that can be utilized to produce a clitoral orgasm prior to the penis’ penetration of the partner’s vagina. These methods include seductively licking the female’s vulva or gently rubbing her clitoris. Once the female achieves clitoral orgasm, males can then “jump right in” and orgasm themselves. Male students will be warned that their partners may suddenly fall asleep after orgasm, since drowsiness is a common effect of such sexually pleasing experiences. In these cases, professors will advise men to simply continue having sex with their unconscious partners.
A third way that RAPE 101 supports feminism is by increasing business for women’s health centers. Statistics indicate that approximately 1 in 3 men would commit a rape if they knew they could get away with it. Therefore, since RAPE 101 will prevent women from reporting date rape as a crime, the occurrence of date rape among college campuses will most likely increase by 33 percent. This rise will surely result in a surge of unplanned pregnancies and transmissions of STIs. More women will then turn to abortion clinics, like Planned Parenthood, and other health centers for STI treatment options.
Fourth, RAPE 101 promotes an end to sexism, as professors will encourage female students to practice date rape methodologies on males.
Clearly, RAPE 101 will be an asset to college campuses. These courses will provide young adults with a much more beneficial set of life skills than would a writing course devoted to the cultivation of every student’s individual voice—a voice that will most likely be ignored in approximately 50 percent of cases, anyway. Also, RAPE 101 offers ample extra credit opportunities during the weekends of which young adults are sure to take advantage.
Women must reclaim their college campuses by advocating that universities nationwide institute RAPE 101: Introduction to the Enjoyment of Date Rape. Improving the date rape experience for young women is the only way to ensure their safety and peace of mind. If students, faculty, and administration work together, this can be the generation that terminates patriarchy and transforms the writing on those Fort Lauderdale t-shirts to the following:
2 Beers—$7,
3 Margaritas—$15,
4 Jell-O Shots—$20,
Taking home the girl who kicked ass at a feminized drinking game and then fucking her brains out during the most amazing date rape of her life… PRICELESS,
PLUS $50,000 IN STUDENT LOANS.
