Angsty Teenager Compares Life to Struggles in Syria


At Wharton High School in Millsborough, IN, 14 year old Alex Dunn announced today via text message to his best friend of nine weeks Dave Anderson that, "My life is like the mess in Syria. It's so complicated."

Dunn went on to proclaim that the struggles between him and his girlfriend-of-four-weeks turned ex, Maria Gladstone, can be, "perfectly summed up," by comparing him to the refugees and Gladstone to President Assad

Gladstone took to Twitter that day and argued, "i saw ur txts. Ur more like isis to me bro."

There is some speculation that Anderson sold this information to Gladstone in exchange for natural resources like making out, something Anderson has always commended the SGA President Gladstone for being good at producing.

When asked to comment, Anderson incited the hateful words of the radical group Fall Out Boy, "This ain't a scene. It's a goddamn arms race."

Later that day, Dunn reportedly took to Yik Yak and anonymously posted, "How dare u use Fall Out Boys words against me. Asshole."

We asked Dunn if these passive aggressive attacks on Yak soil were supported by his drama club's government, to which we received no response —But seeing the long standing history between the feuding high school students, Dunn will most likely chalk it up to cyber warfare and claim he was, 'hacked by the North Korean kids.'

One thing's for certain. This story is a complicated hot mess, and we are unsure of the motives each leader has—but many analysts have predicted that the tension between Gladstone and Dunn could spark Wharton High School War III, otherwise known as WHSW III.

The first two WHSWs were set off when Jessica Hamden accused her 'clingy' ex of, "colonizing [her]," and when Rebecca Parker and many of her allies imposed a friendzone embargo on Bradley Matthews.

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