An Op Ed. on the Fake ID Crisis

American media has once again blown something as stupid as a few drunk kids trying to get booze out of proportion. Here are the facts and the entire, unbiased, unaltered transcript. Looking forward to my Pulitzer. — John Martin, BBC News

I, Eric Krinick, am an expert on the problem. I studied for two years as a Political Science major, and I can tell you that fake IDs aren't the problem here. College kids aren't the problem here. Alcohol, drugs, and rock n' roll aren't the problems here. Fake IDs have been around in our generation since we were seven, known as different evils:

* A checkbox asking if you're 13 and have your parents' permission to go on the Disney site.

* Fourteen years olds bragging about their genital size.

* Sneaking into a Deadpool movie that is clearly so much more toxic for children than any real world threat like guns or violence.

Fake IDs stem from fake ID culture. If this culture continues, we'll have twelve year olds listening to Kanye West and little girls swearing like sailor men.

So, if you want to stop 20 year olds from drinking or stop kids from seeing realistic movies where sex isn't the cause of shame, we need to end Fake ID culture. Start a letter campaign. Write to President Lemons himself and demand that we ban the Disney site. Demand that anybody who acknowledges they have genitalia be punished in a Catholic school. Demand that movies be censored harshly, and anybody who makes a movie with the allusion to drinking gets executed on the stake.

Op Ed. Rebuttal:

Hi, my name is Margerine Whiteman, concerned parent on Facebook. I just have to say that Krinick's statements in The SU Squirrel are vulgar and have no place in our society. Do we really want to blame society for the problems of a few harlot boys and girls who made the mistake of drinking or making out. That isn't the America I grew up in. I don't know where you grew up, Mr. Krinick, but it certainly wasn't any place with God in it. If I were in Congress, I would send you back to Islamistan where you belong.

Comment:

Hi, Tiffany Greenberg here. Long-time Sherlock and Doctor Who enthusiast, and I'd like to weight into this conversation by sharing it to my blog. I just wanna say that concerned parents

suck. You suck, Mrs. Whiteman. You don't understand my problems. And your article is OFFENSIVE. Calling him Islamistanian? I'll have you know that Krinick is American. Just because he attacked you "precious American values" doesn't mean that you have a right to criticize his. I hate everyone because of you Mrs. Whiteman, and that includes bunnies and innocent children. Why don't you go shove it in your Bible and gtfo.