Jesus Starting to Really Reconsider this Whole Second Coming Thing

As millions of Americans flock to their local polling places throughout the day to cast their vote for the next leader of the purportedly “Free World”, we’re not the only ones biting our nails and holding our breath. Outside Heaven’s pearly gates, even our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is on the edge of his cloud.

Halo noticeably askew and white robe soaked in holy sweat, Christ seems just as worried about this election as the rest of humanity. “You know, I thought my whole ‘Love thy neighbor’ thing was pretty clear but somehow these people—sorry, I mean my loyal followers—thought these candidates were their best options?”

The election comes at a crucial time not just for our country, which teeters constantly on the edge of economic, social, and political collapse, but also for Jesus, who was really hoping to come visit in a couple of years. “I had this great surprise comeback party planned, I mean like, wall to wall people, literally the entire population of the Earth actually. There was going to be music, dancing, eternal salvation, all that jazz but now I’m starting to think it might be too little too late.”

When asked to elaborate Jesus replied, “Well, I mean if Trump wins I’m sure he’ll kick me out the second I arrive, I’m from the Middle East after all, and if Hillary wins she’ll probably just end up leaking the surprise months in advance. It’s just sort of a lose-lose situation and frankly I just don’t know if it’s worth the effort.”

At this point a visibly shaken Moses speed-walked up to the Son of God and whispered frantically in his ear. “Oh my Dad,” exclaimed Christ, “someone actually voted for Jill Stein? It’s worse than we thought.”

Christ’s father was not available for comment at the time.