After Crazy Night of Partying, Illuminati Forgets to Choose President

The Illuminati have been extremely proud of their accomplishments this

presidential race. They’ve carefully pulled the strings to elevate candidates who

have obvious ties to corporate conglomerates, preach blatantly sexist and

discriminatory practices, and deny such things as healthy vaccination and climate

change, while the American public has been forced to watch in complete dismay.

According to insider reports, these sorts of things are usually decided through a

combination of roulette wheels and Bingo, but this year the partying went a little too


“We did the wheels and I guess someone somewhere tried to get Bingo started, but

everyone was just far too drunk to pay any attention” reports an anonymous

undercover agent whose probably dead by now, “The execs kept handing out gift

baskets and opening bottles of champagne, congratulating everyone on a job well


Apparently the drinks just kept on coming, through game after game of Syrian Risk,

ISIS Clue, and North Korean Mad Libs. By the time polls were closed, everyone was

having just way too much fun to care.

“When we all came to the next morning, the votes were in, and for once we had

nothing to do with it.”

That’s right America, for once the popular vote has truly made the final choice to be

considered by the Electoral College!

So be proud, or ashamed, one of the two.

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