Alternative Facts for Susquehanna University

The Office of the Provost would like to make the following announcements:

1. Sicknesses endured after eating allegedly under-cooked chicken tenders at the Hawk’s Nest are actually not the result of food poisoning but of individual poultry allergies. Affected students have successfully sought medicinal care at the Geisinger Health Center.

2. The residents of Aikens Hall have been independently breeding mice to combat the unnatural decline in rodent populations throughout the Susquehanna Valley.

3. As an exercise in corporate social responsibility, the campus Starbucks under stocks food and beverage items to help students avoid the Freshman 15.

4. Associate professors of the Sigmund Weis School of Business are offering extra credit to pupils who wear suits and carry briefcases to make students enrolled in the School of Arts and Sciences feel inferior.

5. The GO Office has always enforced a policy of helpful uselessness to promote independence and problem-solving skills abroad.

6. The administration cares about the students as individuals.

7. There is no mental health concern that can't be solved by petting puppies and under staffing the counseling center.