Man Desperately Searches Bottom of Dorito Bag for Any Remaining Survivors
After what could only be described as a brutal raid on his fridge and pantry by a collection of roommates, local yoga practitioner and generally laid back dude Ron Baker spent what felt like three hours heroically searching an empty bag of Cool Ranch Doritos for any surviving crumbs trapped in its crinkled, polyethylene corners.
“It was rough man, here I had all these great fuckin’ snacks all lined up and suddenly, BOOM! Roommates everywhere, just fucking grabbing shit left n’ right, I didn’t even recognize half of them, I think they just wandered in here at some point.”
After many minutes of unsuccessful hunting Baker says he finally located a few stragglers and delivered them to safety. Early reports say his slow, painfully slow action may have saved as many as seven chip fragments.
“Hey man, it’s like, no biggie. I mean, this is why we do what we do, you know, the reward is just, like, being there dude.”
At time of writing Baker has begun to salvage ranch dust by smearing it across his fingers and…wait, sorry…what was I saying?