Susquehanna Banana Smuggling Ring On Rise


According to university records, illegal banana smuggling out of Evert Dining Hall has increased in the past four months by about 60 percent. Officials suspect that the upshot resulted from the recent presidential inauguration.

“Oranges have become less popular among the younger generations,” says Carl Backer, head of Public Safety. “So people have turned to bananas as their recreational fruit of choice.”

Led by an individual who uses the alias, Hannah Chiquita Banana, the Susquehanna banana smuggling ring traffics bananas out of Susquehanna to dealers located in Lewisburg, who then sell the goods to consumers at Bucknell University. While all fifty states have legalized banana consumption for dietary purposes, recreational consumption still remains prohibited in many states, including Pennsylvania.

Public Safety officials have enhanced the school’s Division III surveillance measures and updated the daytime-vision security cameras to later-evening-still-not-night-vision cameras to reduce illegal banana activity. They have also instituted a Stop and Peel policy, by which Aramark employees may search the pockets and square-shaped backpacks of any student suspected of criminal wrongdoing.

“We’re considering investing in police monkeys that detect the smell of bananas,” says Backer. “The measure has been adopted by both Harvard and Stanford, and has shown great success in diminishing smuggling. Princeton was the only outlier, failing to execute the same measures due to poor organization.”

Officials claim that recreational banana consumption is a threat to public safety, and many members of the Selinsgrove community agree.

Debbie Turner, mom of three and second soprano in St. Michael’s adult choir, says that bananas are a social evil. “No one should be eating that much potassium,” she argues, while hauling her kids into the family minivan to take them to the Wendy’s drive-thru for dinner.

Tom Stanley, owner of the local firearms store, believes that bananas encourage risky behaviors. He states, “Bananas are a gateway fruit to the harder stuff like papayas and acai. Aren’t those what the hipsteys eat?”

Accordingly, Susquehanna Public Safety officials aim to catch the Susquehanna banana smuggling ringleader, Hannah Chiquita Banana, whose identity remains unknown, and end the illegal banana trade.

Conversely, a large percentage of the national population argues for an end to the War on Bananas, claiming that the federal banana ban perpetuates discrimination between members of college campuses. FDA statistics indicate that while recreational consumption of Cavendish bananas is roughly the same across students of all academic disciplines, liberal arts students are 3.73 more times likely than Business and Engineering majors to be fined and detained for banana possession.

Speaking out against Susquehanna University’s increased security measures, professor of economics, Dr. Jay Rothstein, says that Public Safety’s efforts to decrease banana activity waste valuable financial resources.

Dr. Rothstein states, “Instead of spending money on law enforcement, the University should devote its time and energy to providing at-risk students, like Studio Art majors, with more educational and career development opportunities.”

When asked about the letters, “HCB” tattooed on his lower neck, Dr. Rothstein stiffened and pulled up his shirt collar to conceal the ink, before looking off into the distance and whispering, “Viven platanos.”

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