O-Team Leader charged with use of performance enhancing substance


O-Team Leader Davis Connolly displaying sun-kissed glow, plastered smile, and heavy-lifting capabilities at time of Move-In. | Susquehanna University

Davis Connolly, a Susquehanna University O-Team Leader, faces charges for listening to Natasha Bedingfield’s “Pocketful of Sunshine” during Move-In Day this week, allegedly giving the student an unfair morale boost and endorphin increase that enabled him to place second in the Mini Fridge Carrying contest. The National Collegiate Orientation Programs Association (NCOPA) issued the charges after a confidential source testified against Connolly.

Bedingfield’s musical number is one of the three performance enhancing substances banned by the NCOPA during orientation events; the other prohibitions are deodorant and a good night’s sleep. These substances provide the user with dangerous levels of positivity, and thus an unfair advantage in friendly competitions among O-Team Leaders. In addition to dishonorably enhancing athletic skills, steroids pose considerable health risks to O-Team Leaders, such as reducing stress levels and improving cognitive functioning.

The Mini Fridge Carrying contest, the competition during which O-Team Leaders flex their physical and mental muscles to see who can shuttle the most mini fridges from cars to dorm rooms during Move-In Day, is the most sacred of all intra-team challenges, according to Susquehanna scholar Benny “the River Hawk” Monahan, making Connolly’s suspected behavior particularly egregious.

In a tweet following the accusation’s public announcement last evening, SU First Year Orientation Team Captain John Adams commented, “O-Team is deeply enraged to hear about Connolly’s actions, and we are taking punitive measures to condemn his conduct. To be honest, we didn’t even like him that much in the first place.”

At a press conference this morning, Adams also assured reporters that Lead Staff discourages the use of steroids. He said, “We tell our leaders that they can do anything they want to hurdle the wall and get through this grueling program: 5-Hour Energy and tequila bomb shots, bloodletting, cocaine. But do not under any circumstances even think about humming the song that shall not be named.”

Similar opinions were expressed by Orientation Coordinator Maria Cardello, who stated at the conference that she is “bewildered” by Connolly’s alleged transgression. Unbathed and eyes glazed over, she struggled through a hoarse voice to say, “The entire ordeal is fucking insane.”

Write for The Squirrel

We always welcome new writers and thinkers so send us ideas, articles, headlines, comics, or any other satire your brain had cooked up while you read. 

Comment on The Squirrel

Share your thoughts, whatever they may be, with the writers, editors, and creators of The Squirrel. 

Join The Squirrel

SU students are welcome to join us! E-mail us through our contact page for the latest meeting info.

Please reload

 

The articles and comics on this website are satirical and are intended as humorous commentary. Articles and artwork belong to their respective authors.

This site was designed with the
.com
website builder. Create your website today.
Start Now