Long shot thoroughbred wins Senior Convocation Derby, shoots for Triple Gingko Crown


Evert Dining Room--Long shot Lemon Law won the Senior Convocation Derby last week, downing eight pumpkin stouts, ten wine slushies, and seven glasses of champagne throughout the drinking game to increase his blood alcohol content to the highest percentage of the night, which amounted to 0.96%. Bartender Adam Smith and parents Benny and Charlene “Charlie” Davis aim to use the unexpected victory as motivation to clinch the Thanksgiving Dinner Stakes and the Pine Lawn Stakes later this year, sweeping the Triple Gingko Crown.

Drinking game analyst Colin Aikens said that Lemon Law’s performance was both “poised” and “preposterous.”

“I was convinced that he was going to vomit buckets when he stared off into the distance, face pale and moist,” Aikens commented. “But his physical perseverance proved stronger than any bulk liquor.”

Lemon Law beat out Dancing at Trax, the favorite to win the game and subsequently the Crown. When asked for comment after the game, Bartender Garrett Reed said that the chocolate peanut butter stout posed problems for his senior. “Dancing at Trax is diabetic,” Reed said, petting the thoroughbred’s nose and hair. “All that sugary chocolate accelerated the blackout. He won’t even remember losing this thing in the morning.”

At a press conference following celebratory champagne for the training staff and pedialyte for Lemon Law, Bartender Smith hypothesized that the team’s decision not to pregame for the Derby gave Lemon Law a significant mental advantage over his competitors who did engage in the alcoholic activity.

“Some people swear by a little pregame workout,” Bartender Smith said. “But we’ve found that prior sobriety decreases slurred words, which is crucial for seniors to effectively convince university administrators that, no, my wristband is not a fake, and that, no, you haven’t already seen me use up my two drink tickets.”

Looking ahead, Lemon Law’s training staff plans to increase his daily exercise regimen to include salted caramel sangria and an assortment of white wine spritzers.

“You never know what the Stakes are going to serve, so we need to be prepared” said Bartender Smith. “We’re also going to test out an experimental chugging technique originated back in the day by Lambda.”

As for Lemon Law’s parents, the beaming couple couldn’t be prouder.

“Breeding thoroughbreds and educating them at a private university is quite an investment,” said Mr. Davis on behalf of him and his wife. “So we’re glad to see that Lemon Law is learning valuable skills at Susquehanna and that all of our hard work is paying off.”

Below are the complete results of the Senior Convocation Derby from the Associated Press.

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