Absolutely Nothing Went Wrong at Senior Convocation


Susquehanna University--Chad Hummel

Evert Dining Room- A spokesperson from Susquehanna University issued a statement yesterday saying she was happy to report that absolutely nothing went wrong at last week’s senior convocation.

“No awkward interactions resulted from gathering hundreds of students who have been living and making poor decisions with each other for the past for years, putting them in a room, and providing free alcohol,” reported university employee Deborah McAdams. “There was not a single uncomfortable moment during the entire two-hour event.”

According to sources, no one found themselves avoiding eye contact with their former roommate, trapped in a conversation with their ex while standing in line for beer, or glancing around the room thinking about how few people they were still on speaking terms with. Students were reportedly attentive during the succinct, uplifting, and appropriate speeches given by the most respected members of the Susquehanna community.

Especially well-received was the program from the Career Development Center, with students applauding the administration’s choice to have them lectured about LinkedIn profiles while they were all trapped at an event meant to celebrate their achievements and invigorate them for the year ahead.

The event concluded with students singing the Alma Mater in perfect four-part harmony. Afterwards, students dispersed in an orderly fashion without pilfering tiny desserts or champagne glasses from the dining hall, returning to their respective dorm rooms to complete their homework for the following day. Local bars received record low turnouts for their Thursday night drink specials and professors across campus reported perfect attendance in their Friday classes.

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