Local Douche Thinks He’s a Satirist, Really Just an Asshole


Photo Features--Local Douche

Amid claims that “it was just a joke” and “you know it’s funny cause it’s true,” local failure of a writer and known waste of space Alexander Dumm-Bass was revealed to be a complete dickhole, operating under the guise of a satirist.

Renowned for his inability to read social situations and tendency to take mundane jokes too far in pursuit of the attention he was never given as a child, Dumm-Bass was ousted when fellow writers began to put together the unpleasant pieces of this unappealing puzzle, coming to the conclusion that rather than writing with a focus on a particular issue and having motive to create a layered work of art speaking on multiple levels, Dumm-Bass just used a combination of vulgarity and shocking buzzwords to say fairly mean and unfunny things about targets that could not fight back.

“At first we thought, ‘hey, he seems like a cool kid,’ but quickly the sociopathic faux-charm fell through and it became clear that this guy was an even bigger cockhole than those people that use over the shoulder messenger bags for school,” offered local real writer Sammy Coleridge. “I mean they’re sick, but at least they know what a fucking disgrace they are; this assflap seems blissfully unaware that he isn’t god’s own pre-cum raining down on the earth.”

“I honestly don’t think he knows what satire is,” said Professor J. R. Tollkid, Doctor of English Elitism and campus “cool dude,” taking a long drag from a joint he pulled from the recesses of his lanky form. “When we were reviewing Swift, he just nodded emphatically when we got to the suggestion that Ireland harvest infants for food. I truly believe that he takes the form of satire as a shield to profess insulting, if not completely ignorant, works that barely qualify as writing worth taking a shit on.”

When asked for comment, the editor of the university satirical publication only sighed heavily, shook her head, and offered up a folder of Dumm-Bass’s work before breaking down in tears. The contents included a list of girls on campus labeled “Local Frat Targets,” a long form story about the dangers of freedom of speech for minorities, and a mockup of Mein Kampf in the voice of the university president; all were void of any notable elements of satirical writing and seemed to be wholly invested in their individual claims and personalized attacks.

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