New Brooklyn Theme Restaurant “The Slaughteria” Provides Thrilling Dining Experience


Bushwick, NY

Adding to the growing list of niche food spots in Brooklyn, NY, only The Slaughteria transports the diner across the world with its varied cuisine and unique, deadly theme.

Demarcus Ontario (53), a young local resident of the United States, opened the restaurant as, “an experience of true, pure world culture expressed in its basest form, vampiric human sacrifice.”

While Medieval Times boasts an authentic taste of armored combat and grilled chicken, The Slaughteria exposes the diner to a multifaceted view of all of ancient culture, and one grizzly looking vampire. With such a varied menu, I was able to order both Korean tacos and Valencian Paella, which you wouldn’t think would be good but is actually the-fucking-bomb. As I praised my food quietly, I witnessed a proud Maori man come before the dining area to perform his haka. Just as the man’s war dance reached its highest form, that vampire struck out of the darkness, bleeding the man dry.

The patrons ate it up, applauding instantly. As he took his bows, the vampire promoted his one-man show in some ancient tongue incoherent to human ears.

When pressed to reveal exactly how he had managed to curry the favor of a rare Romanian Vampire, Mr. Ontario insisted that he had no time to comment; he manages eighty-six other restaurants.

Offerings are all 100% pure grade indigenous, “ethnic” peoples from around the world. College students and young couples can have the joy of watching these tribal people be consumed in full by the Vampire Lord Constantín over a hot plate of grasshoppers, and a free dessert.

“Everything is one hundred percent authentic,” assures Ontario, “From the Aztec captives to the dead pharaoh's slaves, we pull our offerings from all over the world.”

As put by one local patron, “It’s just super great to be able to experience this kind of world culture only a few blocks from my apartment, just as the life is being drained from it.”

Five Stars.

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