President’s Statement Affirms: It’s Not That John Green

Also: Sexual Assault Doesn’t Happen on This Campus, Stop Asking

Seriously, Stop Asking

Susquehanna University-- In lieu of Dr. Jonathan D. Green, D.M.A.,’s inauguration as Susquehanna’s 15th president, the University Office of the President released a statement addressing the consistent and recurrent concerns which have been pouring into the office for quite some time, the statement announcing, “It’s not that John Green; also, sexual assault doesn’t happen. Stop asking.”

Reports indicate that the office has been receiving copious amounts of fan mail and autograph requests, as well as mounting pressure to address the epidemic of sexual violence on campus, to which the response has been despairingly lackluster.

“It’s just ridiculous as this point,” offered University Press Secretary Hazel Lancaster. “The president would like to reiterate that he is not the beloved author of an assortment of angsty, formulaically written, overly campy, money grabbing, young adult fictions, that the updates to our Title IX reports are accurate and there have been, in fact, no instances of sexual assault on campus for the past year, and that he has no bearing on when the next Crash Course video comes out.”

Students remain adamant that the new president cease what many describe as stonewalling and instead address their main concerns.

“I just wanted a picture!” wailed impressionable consumer of subpar literature Alaska Young, banging on the windows of the president’s mansion before the president’s security force dragged her back to the ever-swelling crowd of confused admirers behind the police barriers, most of the public equally enamored by the bow-tied beauty.

Student Caroline Mathers offered, “The administration isn’t recognizing my wants and needs as a vulnerable member of the female campus community. The ending to The Fault in Our Stars tore me to pieces, violating my emotional trust and endangering my physical safety. But still, no one will tell me if there’s going to be a sequel. I just need closure!”

Student Margo Roth Spiegelman expressed similar concerns. “I was at a party and saw this guy drop something in my drink before coming over to me with it. I know I’m not the only one on this campus who’s run into something like this and I was just lucky to glance over at the right time and catch it. I went straight to campus security and they said they’d investigate. That was at the beginning of spring semester last year and I haven’t heard a single thing since. I still see that guy at parties all the time. No one was ever even questioned!”

“I had hoped this administration would be different, but so far nothing has changed,” Mathers went on. “We don’t need half-assed talks or a few signs haphazardly thrown around campus touting, ‘It’s On US to Differentiate Between John Greens’. We need real help to protect our students and hold the perpetrators of mental distress and bodily harm that walk freely around this campus, continuing to inflict pain and suffering to old and new victims, accountable.”

When asked for comment, an administrator close to the president rolled his eyes, briefly remarking that if students don’t want to be assaulted by heart wrenching novels nor malicious criminals, they “shouldn’t be born with a vagina.”

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